Real Housewives of Orange County

So, I made it to the second round of "auditions" for the Reality Tea contributor position, and my next assignment was to recap "The Real Housewives of Orange County." I've watched this show since the beginning, unlike Miami, which I only saw for the first time last week, so it was a tad bit easier to do a write-up. Anyway, here it is. I should find out sometime this week if I'm moving through for further consideration.

As the sun rises on the county that never sleeps, our Housewives' schedules are full to the brim with lunch dates, shopping trips, and mini vacations. It's all just a typical day in the life of an O.C. bottle blonde, but is anything really ever typical when Vicki, Tamra, Alexis, Gretchen or Peggy is in the mix?

They say if the tiara fits, wear it, and Gretchen does just that. She also puts it on the license plate of her new car, but that's beside the point. Miss Rossi is still hung up on being dubbed a princess, but after rehashing Alexis's sin against the friendship yet again, the pair hops into Gretchen's new Mercedes and heads out for a little shoe shopping/meet-and-greet with new Housewife Peggy. The ladies bond over thigh-high boots and tales of their sexual conquests, though Peggy is a little skeptical of Gretchen's astrological traits and Gretchen a little wary of the length of Peggy's hemline. Not to be usurped of their title of "Ladies Who Lunch," Vicki and Tamra meet up for a mealtime bonding session of their own. The remaining member of Housewives: Classic Edition, Vicki vows that her friendship with Tamra will live to whoo-hoo another day, and it appears that all is well in Gunvalson-Barney Land.

The Bellinos need a break from the grind, so they pack their things and head to San Diego for a change of scenery. Jim may have Alexis on a short leash, but he's no match for the lady who voices his car's cell phone system. Somewhere on the west coast, Dan is still waiting for Jim's call. After the family arrives at the Rancho Bernardo Inn and Alexis does some quick algebra to justify her overpacking, they realize that, out of 12 bags, not one of them belongs to Nanny Sandra. But never fear! Their assistant will drive Sandra's bag to San Diego, and Jim has already moved on to bigger and better things, like adjusting the Feng Shui of their villa. After what was surely a good night's sleep, due solely to the removal of that desk chair's bad vibes, the Bellinos enjoy a nice breakfast, then ship the kids off to the park so that they can take care of the money that is currently burning a hole in Jim's wallet. Daddy Warbucks spends more on two watches than most people earn in a year, and Alexis proves that she truly is Jim's best accessory by doing a lot of smiling and nodding throughout the purchase.

Back in Orange County, Peggy's mother-in-law, the naturopath, has apparently stumbled on the fountain of youth, and it comes from stem cells from an apple in Switzerland. Peggy's urine says she's aging like a potato, (are you sensing a produce theme here?) but it's nothing a little hologram bracelet (and some Botox) won't fix.

Gretchen and Slade decide to head out on the open road to visit friends in Palm Springs. While she chews on a hamburger on one side of her mouth, Gretchen chews out Slade's driving skills on the other. Despite Slade's "magic penis," as Gretchen called it earlier, the constant bickering between this couple makes it hard to believe Slade's claim that they're still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. They somehow manage to make it to Palm Springs in one piece, where they promptly decide to go on a leisurely bike ride in 100-degree weather. With the Chihuahua in her bike basket and her signature cackle echoing through the streets, Gretchen is becoming eerily similar to one Almira Gulch, AKA The Wicked Witch of the West. I'm just waiting for the day when she eyes Tamra and says, "I'll get you, my pretty!"

Speaking of Tamra, she's trying her very best for a good sound bite about mysterious boyfriend Eddie. "Latin oomph"? "Who wouldn't want to hump him?" Not quite quote-worthy. "He's so humpable"? Okay, getting closer. "He kissed me back to life"? Cha-ching! We have liftoff! So now that we know more than we ever wanted about Eddie's sexual prowess, we actually get to meet the guy. Tamra and Eddie meet with their friend/third wheel Marcos for a dinner by the sea, complete with romantic sunset and – wait, are those Snuggies? The presence of a third person at the table couldn't deter Tamra and Eddie from some starting their foreplay just a tad too early. Check, please! Back at Eddie's house, Tamra ran a bath and put on her best "come hither" gaze. Eddie needed a little liquid confidence before stripping in front of a camera crew, so he quickly downed his glass of wine and joined Tamra in the tub to prove how humpable he really is.

As the door surreptitiously shuts on Eddie's bathroom/love den, another episode of "The Real Housewives" comes to a close. The girls were somewhat isolated this week, and while it was nice to get a glimpse of their lives apart from the group, it will be good to get them back together for some good old-fashioned Bravo fireworks. Until next time, "here's to friendship and whoo-hooing it up!"