Teen Mom: Taking It Slow

So this is what the world has come to: supposedly broke moms can take out plastic surgery loans to achieve the perfect boob-to-butt ratio, so-called important questions are posed via text message when the questioner and the questionee are sitting less than five feet apart, and not one but two guys chase after a classless, abusive girl who's really not quite beautiful either inside or out. Thank heavens that MTV allows it all to play out over national television -- what would we do without the drama of Teen Mom?

On the first episode of season three with the original cast, we saw Farrah spend more time deciding what size bra will have the biggest effect on her modeling career than determining who she wants to raise her child in case her trip under the knife actually lands her six feet under (and knowing the fate of Sophia's dad, you'd think Farrah would be a little more concerned about an untimely death). We saw Catelynn and Tyler contemplate taking a big step in their relationship (note to Tyler: if you leap into fire, you WILL get burned. There's no "if"). We saw Amber put in her place by a kind-looking therapist ("coach"?), and we finally got the answer to a question we've all been waiting for -- is Kyle slow? Other than a bit of manufactured drama in the form of a child-support payment mix-up and a lot of fake phone calls between Farrah and "loan officers" (MTV production assistants), the first episode of Teen Mom was more of a setup for the rest of the season than an exciting hour of television.

One of the most notable scenes of the night featured a surprisingly coherent Farrah returning home after her breast augmentation. As anyone who has seen "David After Dentist" knows, most people are a bit loopy following a surgical procedure. But Farrah's attitude is so bad, it even penetrates a post-anesthesia haze, and poor Michael gets the brunt of the abuse. While Sophia waits on the steps, displaying more patience than her mother has in her left pinky finger, Michael experiences how much weight a "full C" really adds as he attempts the impossible task of making Farrah comfortable. With bags of frozen vegetables finally secured in their proper positions, Farrah even scolds Michael for telling Sophia to sit still. Every time The Beast rears her ugly head, I find myself wishing for Amber to stop by and slap her around a bit. Her sense of entitlement and pure lack of respect for other human beings is absolutely hideous.

Shows like Teen Mom are such a guilty pleasure for me, but as the girls' lives deteriorate and the facade of reality television grows thicker, I find it hard to justify the small amount of joy I get out of watching this train wreck. I can't say I'm ready to give the show up for good, but I hope that MTV will someday become at least slightly more responsible for the lives they are exploiting.

The Office: "Training Day"

The Office has finally returned, and it's time to start bidding adieu to our dear Michael Scott. To Oscar, Michael's departure may be nothing more than "a lot to process, paperwork-wise," but to me it's the end of an era. I've heard mixed reviews about the first leg of Michael's race out of Scranton, "Training Day," but I was more happy than not with the episode.

The Good:

• Deangelo Vickers. I truly feared the day that Will Ferrell would tread on the hallowed grounds of my beloved Office set. I've never liked the guy (no, not even in Anchorman), and I was dreadfully afraid of the frown lines I might develop after having to endure his antics for a four-episode stint. However, I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised with the way Mr. Ferrell played his cards. I thought Deangelo was a perfect combination of quirky and straitlaced and definitely not overly Ferrell-ized. If The Office is going to be causing me permanent facial indentations of any sort, at least it won't be a result of a bad guest star.
• Darryl's sister! Not since Dwight and Toby mistook her for Darryl and told her to eat dog food have we seen the warehouse-upgrade's baby sister. I'm glad that she has nothing better to do than deliver cowboy paraphernalia to aid in Darryl's brown-nosing, but I'm even more glad that I was reminded of one of the most hilarious hijinks people other than Michael have gotten themselves into.
• Ellie Kemper. It takes a lot to get a role on a well-established show like The Office and become a standout, but that's exactly what Ellie Kemper has done. She usually gets more screen time than some of the show's veterans, but she certainly doesn't squander her chances to become a star. I think Ellie is so great at playing the ditz in a believable yet lovable way. The expression on her face when Deangelo corrected her phone greeting ("oh, assist") was key, and it proved to be one of the episode's most entertaining vignettes.

The Bad:

• The office funny guy. As much as I love Ed Helms and as well as he did with the physical comedy, I hope Andy's stint as the office funny guy doesn't last for long. There's only so many times you can see a guy pour hot coffee on his crotch and not be tempted to change the channel.
• Holly. Where was she? In the absence of his voice of reason, Michael was back to his usual antics. I'd have to think that if Holly was present, there was no way Michael would have attempted to trigger Deangelo's peanut allergy just because he was feeling a bit jealous of the new guy. Holly is the angel on Michael's shoulder, and it seemed a bit odd that, after making such a life-changing decision when we last saw the pair, she was nowhere to be found this week.

The Ugly:

• Jim and Pam, AKA JAP. Someone tell me because I tend not to remember little details about shows I watch: were Jim and Pam always this annoying, or is it just recently? Maybe it's a true-to-life scenario where parents become so absorbed in their child's "cute" activities that they lose a grip on what's actually funny and entertaining, but Jim and Pam have become almost intolerable to me lately. I could totally sympathize with Deangelo when he told them to "just stop."

Quotable quotes:

One of the best parts of this episode was the abundance of one-liners. Here are some of my favorites:

• "Everyone I know who skis is dead." - Deangelo
• "One of my favorite things if fanfare for its own sake." Michael
• "I happen to like the hilarious hijinks that I get myself into." Michael
• "Are you kidding? I'd come anywhere to see a turtle." Michael (again)

What did you think of "Training Day"?

Teen Mom 2: Finale

As the curtains closed on the first season of Teen Mom 2, we were reminded that old habits die hard and old dogs can't always learn new tricks. Though one of our Moms showed some growth this season, one didn't really need much growth and the other two just stayed true to their ways.

Since this was the last real episode aside from the Dr. Drew after-school special, I'd like to give each of the girls a "grade" for their performance throughout the show, rather than breaking it down into the more episode-specific Good, Bad and Ugly.

The Good:

• Leah. Leah has been and still remains the most centered Mom on the show. I don't mind that MTV is giving her attention because she's a positive role model and doesn't seem to be letting the show go to her head. As I've said before, I think the support structure that Leah has in her family has a lot to do with her being so well-adjusted, but even good families can have bad seeds, and Leah definitely isn't one of them. The season culminated in her taking a leap of faith into a marriage that will hopefully last a lifetime (unless, of course, she has to take Corey "for poorer," which is apparently a hilarious concept). Leah has got a good head on her shoulders, and as long as she keeps up the way she has been, it looks like sunny skies ahead for this Teen Mom.
• Chelsea. And Teen Mom 2's "Most Improved Award" goes to....Chelsea [BLEEP]. MTV is so protective of its stars' last names, but for what reason, I'm not sure. It's not like it's hard to find them on Google or if you stand in the line at the grocery store without wearing a blindfold. But regardless of Chelsea's mystery surname, she has changed for the better since crying on the toilet toward the beginning of the season. She still has a long way to go, what with the amount she still relies on her dad for just about everything, but the important part is that she seems to be free and clear of the nasty Adam virus. Now all that's left is for Chelsea to buckle her seat belt and head down the road to a high school diploma.

The Bad:

• Kailyn. I know Kailyn works hard and has the right goals in mind, but I think a lot of her decisions are selfish and not made with Isaac's best interest at heart. I still can't figure out why she likes Jordan. I know it can't be his killer Spanish skills or his ways with the baby, so I think it's more out of a need to feel liked by someone. If Jo is going to act like a moron, then Kail has to find a way to fill her love tank elsewhere, to borrow a phrase from another of my favorite reality shows. It also really bothers me that, during her fight with Jo at mediation, she said to Isaac, "your dad's an asshole." Obviously Isaac doesn't understand what she's saying, but will the badmouthing really stop as he grows older? The worst thing two separated parents can do is put their child in the middle, and it seems like poor Isaac is destined to be fought over for the rest of his life. Maybe they should just let Junior adopt him and call the whole thing a wash.

The Ugly:

• Jenelle. Jenelle definitely had peaks and valleys throughout the course of the season and even the episode, but in the end, she's always singing the same tune. She throws away her chances at redemption over and over again and for what? A cocaine-snorting hustler? I know I'm starting to sound like Barbara, but I can see why she's frustrated to the point of tears over trying to parent the stubborn mule that is Jenelle. Jenelle says she just wants to be loved, but what she means is she wants to be loved by a particular person, in a particular way. I will shamefully admit that I occasionally read OK! Magazine and follow the current Teen Mom news, and Jenelle has gotten nothing but negative press since the show started airing. From smoking at a gas pump to backyard brawls, the philosophy that any press is good press does not hold true for Jenelle. I almost want to petition MTV not to continue to feature her on the show because, as much as her trainwreck of a life is addicting to watch, putting an unstable person on reality television is like throwing gasoline on a fire. I can only hope Jace doesn't get burned in the process.

I'm really looking forward to the reunion with Dr. Drew to see what everyone is up to, but I hope MTV will do it justice since they're already pushing the new season of 16 and Pregnant pretty hard (though not quite as hard as Teen Wolf). As much as I enjoy watching the Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant series, I can't help but feel slightly afraid of the message these shows convey. Sure, they flash a 10-second graphic about how "teen pregnancy is 100% preventable," but at the rate MTV is churning out new teenage girls, eager to find their spot in the limelight, it may not be long before teen pregnancy shows go the way of the Real World and devolve into nothing more than a bunch of drunks hooking up in a hot tub.

*Miscellaneous tidbit: did anyone notice that Isaac's name was spelled wrong on one of the cartoon things that they do in between segments? It was written "Issac." Dear MTV, I am a great proofreader. Please hire me to keep you from looking like idiots in cases like these.

The Office: "Garage Sale"

[Singing to the tune of "The Dog Days are Over"] The Office drought is over no-o-ow! We had one glorious week in Scranton after four weeks of reruns and March Madness. After such a long wait for new material, I was on heaven while watching this episode! Now we have another three weeks to process Michael's pending departure, but The Office can have all the time in the world if it continues to churn out quality viewing like "Garage Sale."

The Good:

• Dwight's bartering skills. He told us that the Schrutes are farmers by hobby and traders by trade, so I don't know why I had any doubt that Dwight would play an excellent game of Bigger and Better at the Dunder Mifflin garage sale. Sure, his last trade was a little ill-advised (a telescope for Professor Copperfield's Magic Legumes), but Dwight proved his skills when he managed to convince Kelly that a half-burnt candle was the key to her romantic bliss. The next time I have some extra dryer lint that I'd like to turn into a new car, I know who I'm going to call.
• Kevin's long con. Who would have thought after he eagerly pulled out his wallet to get in on the board-game betting that Kevin would be the one pulling the wool over Andy and Darryl's eyes and not the other way around? Despite Andy's J.R. Ewing impression sounding more like molasses sort of spilling out of his mouth than Texas oil baron, I would steal his money, too, if he shot my imaginary board game persona. I think Kevin is the most charming when he turns out to be smarter than he looks, so the scene of him standing there with Andy and Darryl's cold hard cash, saying, "And that is how you play Dallas" has to be one of my favorite Kevin moments in a long time.
• BJ Novak. BJ was one of the only cast members that I did not get to meet when I visited the Office set, but he was one of the only cast members to thank us for the gifts we brought them, so he will always hold a special place in my heart. But I'm not making him a Good this week for purely selfish reasons. Mama Sally's Pesto and Hot Cha Cha salsa were clearly the best (and funniest) items at the garage sale (yes, even better than the very cute squid that Erin happened to have).
• The proposal. Thank goodness Pam was able to talk Michael down from words spelled in flaming gasoline to a room filled with innocuous white candles. Not only was Michael's proposal safe and responsible and realistic and doable, it was absolutely perfect for the show and the characters. Those buffoons on The Bachelor should really take a page out of Michael Scott's book. From the walk down memory lane to the gang peering through the blinds to Holly's acceptance in a Yoda voice, no one says "will you marry me" better than The Office. I loved that the proposal gauntlet gave us some comic relief, but even a little humor and a whole lot of sprinklers couldn't water down the love that Michael and Holly have. If Michael was so adamant about his engagement being an event that everyone talks about always and forever, I can only imagine how epic his wedding will be. I just hope we get to see it. Series finale, anyone?

The Bad:

• Missing pieces. I'd be willing to bet that a lot of "Garage Sale" action was left on the cutting room floor. I would pay at least three years' salary to see what Creed was selling at his table, and I found myself actually missing Erin and Gabe, whose presence was notably lacking, as well. But I suppose that's what deleted scenes and DVD extras are for, right?

The Ugly:

• Bye-bye birdie. All season long, we've been wondering how Steve Carell will make his exit, and now we know. I'll let you in on a another little secret from our set visit. When we visited Claire (I think that was her name) in the editing room, we asked if she had any idea how Michael was going to be axed. She told us that no one really knew just yet, but that her theory was that Michael has always treated his coworkers as his family, and the only way he could truly leave Dunder Mifflin would be if he found a family elsewhere. So either sneaky Claire was lying when she said she didn't really know the answer, or her years of working on the show have left her quite in tune with the vibes of the writers. Either way, I was relatively sure this is how Michael's departure would go down. But that doesn't make it any easier. I love the supporting cast of The Office, but I can't imagine that the show will ever be quite as good without Michael Scott. Quick, let me browse through Phyllis's box of bras to get this terrible subject out of my mind!
  

Miscellaneous Tidbits:

• John Krasinski can do a mean heel click!
• How funny was it that Michael had the foresight to ask for Holly's dad's permission to marry her, yet, in true Michael Scott style, he left the entire conversation on an answering machine?
  

Quotable Quotes:

• "If it's a problem with the neon, I could have my neon guy take a look." - Holly
  
• "I should have burned this place down when I had the chance." - Michael
  
• "We're moving to Colorado!" - Michael
• "All of us?" - Kevin
  

Top Chef: "Last Supper"

I tuned in to this week's Top Chef thinking that I would be watching the finale. Where did I miss the announcement that only two of the All Stars would compete for "$200,000 furnished by Buitoni and the title of Top Chef"? No matter. I'm quite happy to stretch out this, my favorite TC season, a little longer. In fact, I'm hoping that all future seasons of Top Chef will be rearrangements of previous casts. I never want to see a new Top Chef contestant again! Okay, maybe that's a little extreme, but I have always wanted to see a season made up of chefs who were eliminated first. That's not too far-fetched, right? Culinary pipe dreams aside, I was on the edge of my seat for most of this hour, so let's get to the Good, Bad and Ugly, if my trembling hands will cooperate.
The Good:

• Twists & turns. When Padma pulled out the dreaded envelope after Judges' Table Lite, my first reaction was similar to that of the chefs or Gob Bluth: come on! They had worked hard, made their dishes, and I wanted them to be judged accordingly, rather than giving them one more shot to make it or break it. However, after mulling it over a bit, I'm actually glad this final twist was thrown into the mix. I really think the end result was the same (Antonia's last supper dish did not seem to be as well-received as Mike's), but pushing the chefs to the upper limits of their abilities (and sanity) is what this show is all about. Not to mention that this is the All Star season, so the stakes are higher. If you can't think on the fly and cook to perfection, then get out of the kitchen.
• The quickfire. Not only was bringing back some of the most difficult past quickfires a fun idea, but allowing the chefs to assign them to each other was even better. It reminds us that Top Chef is not just based on skill and skill alone. You have to have an ace up your sleeve to make it to the end.
  

The Bad:

• Richard's strategery. It's not that Richard is too nice to stick his competitors with a tough challenge. He clearly intended on giving Mike a hard time in the quickfire, but his logic ended up backfiring. Blais may have the hair of an evil villain, but he's definitely lacking the killer instincts.

• Mike's tableside manner. Mike Isabella reminds me of a used car salesman. There's something that seems so genuinely sleazy and falsely humble about him when he presents his food or accepts accolades. There's no question that he's stepped up his game since arriving in the Bahamas (more specifically, The Cove at Atlantis, in case you didn't know), but I would rather that Mike just serve his food with closed lips, lest he start rambling about low, low payments of only $99 a month.

The Ugly:

• Editing spoils. I'm sure editing a reality television show is a daunting task, but in a competition, it's really quite telling when you show clips of a teary-eyed contestant in the very beginning of the episode. I pretty much knew as soon as Antonia was wiping tears from her eyes and talking about how much she wanted to be in the finale that she was going to be the one packing her knives tonight. Mike's interviews, on the other hand, were all cheery and bright (to use one of Gail's favorite words), even when he was talking about the final one-bite twist. And if the familiar Irish jig in the background while Richard was cooking and presenting his food didn't clue you in to the fact that he'd also be winning the challenge, well, then you must not have watched a lot of Top Chef.

So, there's one more week to go, and it looks like it's going to be epic. Restaurant Wars with the entire cast as sous chefs and, presumably, front of the house staff...I can't wait! Are you happy with the last two chefs standing? Who would you rather see in their place? I personally would have enjoyed a Carla/Richard showdown, but I'm definitely rooting for Richard because I don't think the man handle the weight of another disappointment. Until next week!

Teen Mom 2: "One Step Back"

Wow! I guess MTV has a few children of the '80s on staff, what with the title of this episode being a continuation of last week's Paula Abdul reference. And an ode to Paula Abdul is pretty much the only explanation for the episode's name because, unless I need my head checked, it appeared to me that most of the Moms were moving forward this week. Title discrepancies aside, this was the second-to-last hour of the season, but it feels like just yesterday that Aubree, Jace, Ali, Aleeah, and Isaac were just a twinkle in the girls' prepubescent, pre-MTV lives. My, how time flies when you're a Teen Mom!

The Good:

• Social Services. I'm actually shocked that Social Services would take it upon themselves to prosecute Adam for his unpaid child support, but it's a good kind of shock. I would love to see Adam go to jail and have a big, hairy man named Bubba wipe that smile right off his smug little face.

• Chelsea. Okay, girl still can't get the whole "studying" thing down, but she's done a complete 180 when it comes to her relationship dependency. Maybe the Lady Gaga concert was more than just an opportunity to tease her hair and wear a sparkly outfit. It seems that Chelsea may have actually taken some of the lyrics to heart. Next thing you know, she's going to be asking Jenelle to borrow her "Free Bitch" bracelet.

• Leah. I'm actually starting to wish I was Leah. She's super skinny after having twins, she occasionally has cute hair, and she makes a darn good lemonade with all the lemons life is throwing at her. I'll admit it - I shed a few tears when she said that she would still change Ali's diapers at age 50, if need be. I am planning on training my dogs to change my children's diapers, so imagine how selfless it is of a teen mom to say such a thing. Seriously, though, it breaks my heart that that is even a consideration for her, and it's also just so impressive to see the unconditional love she has for her child.

The Bad:

• Adam's new girlfriend. I really hope this girl is just using him to get her 15 minutes of fame, because I can see no other reason any person in her right mind would go anywhere near this sorry excuse for a man. They say there's an ass for every seat, but I guess there's also a girl for every ass.

• Kailyn's money-management skills. How does Kail still have no cash? All this talk of working two jobs, and she still has to have her mom pay to file the custody papers. She's not paying rent, so where is all the money going? I hate to say it, but I think Jo was right when he said she couldn't afford to live on her own. That doesn't mean she should have moved in with him, but she either needs to take a personal finance class or figure out how to rearrange her life so that she's a little more self-sufficient.

The Ugly:

• Jenelle. I'm wondering if maybe Jenelle's old boss would consider adopting her. It's a long shot, I know, but she needs a parent who will give her a stern talking-to, and his take-no-crap attitude when she tried to "clarify" her disappearance from work is just what the Doctor (Drew) ordered. It's a sad truth that Jenelle and Barbara's relationship is a never-ending cycle of use and abuse. Jenelle takes and takes, then has the misguided idea that somehow it's never her fault when things fall apart. Someone please give this reality star a reality check, stat!

Miscellaneous Tidbits:

• Do you ever feel bad for the MTV camera crew who has to risk their lives daily by driving in a car with Kieffer and Jenelle? I guarantee they drive while they're high, but I wouldn't want to sit in the backseat with Jenelle at the wheel even when she's not under the influence.

Quotable Quotes:

• "While you and Kieffer are having a la-di-da time, I'm busting my balls trying to g*ddamn survive on barely more than minimum wage!" I knew Barb was actually a man! No, seriously, you tell her, Bob -- I mean, Barb!
  

Real Housewives of Orange County

So, I made it to the second round of "auditions" for the Reality Tea contributor position, and my next assignment was to recap "The Real Housewives of Orange County." I've watched this show since the beginning, unlike Miami, which I only saw for the first time last week, so it was a tad bit easier to do a write-up. Anyway, here it is. I should find out sometime this week if I'm moving through for further consideration.

As the sun rises on the county that never sleeps, our Housewives' schedules are full to the brim with lunch dates, shopping trips, and mini vacations. It's all just a typical day in the life of an O.C. bottle blonde, but is anything really ever typical when Vicki, Tamra, Alexis, Gretchen or Peggy is in the mix?

They say if the tiara fits, wear it, and Gretchen does just that. She also puts it on the license plate of her new car, but that's beside the point. Miss Rossi is still hung up on being dubbed a princess, but after rehashing Alexis's sin against the friendship yet again, the pair hops into Gretchen's new Mercedes and heads out for a little shoe shopping/meet-and-greet with new Housewife Peggy. The ladies bond over thigh-high boots and tales of their sexual conquests, though Peggy is a little skeptical of Gretchen's astrological traits and Gretchen a little wary of the length of Peggy's hemline. Not to be usurped of their title of "Ladies Who Lunch," Vicki and Tamra meet up for a mealtime bonding session of their own. The remaining member of Housewives: Classic Edition, Vicki vows that her friendship with Tamra will live to whoo-hoo another day, and it appears that all is well in Gunvalson-Barney Land.

The Bellinos need a break from the grind, so they pack their things and head to San Diego for a change of scenery. Jim may have Alexis on a short leash, but he's no match for the lady who voices his car's cell phone system. Somewhere on the west coast, Dan is still waiting for Jim's call. After the family arrives at the Rancho Bernardo Inn and Alexis does some quick algebra to justify her overpacking, they realize that, out of 12 bags, not one of them belongs to Nanny Sandra. But never fear! Their assistant will drive Sandra's bag to San Diego, and Jim has already moved on to bigger and better things, like adjusting the Feng Shui of their villa. After what was surely a good night's sleep, due solely to the removal of that desk chair's bad vibes, the Bellinos enjoy a nice breakfast, then ship the kids off to the park so that they can take care of the money that is currently burning a hole in Jim's wallet. Daddy Warbucks spends more on two watches than most people earn in a year, and Alexis proves that she truly is Jim's best accessory by doing a lot of smiling and nodding throughout the purchase.

Back in Orange County, Peggy's mother-in-law, the naturopath, has apparently stumbled on the fountain of youth, and it comes from stem cells from an apple in Switzerland. Peggy's urine says she's aging like a potato, (are you sensing a produce theme here?) but it's nothing a little hologram bracelet (and some Botox) won't fix.

Gretchen and Slade decide to head out on the open road to visit friends in Palm Springs. While she chews on a hamburger on one side of her mouth, Gretchen chews out Slade's driving skills on the other. Despite Slade's "magic penis," as Gretchen called it earlier, the constant bickering between this couple makes it hard to believe Slade's claim that they're still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. They somehow manage to make it to Palm Springs in one piece, where they promptly decide to go on a leisurely bike ride in 100-degree weather. With the Chihuahua in her bike basket and her signature cackle echoing through the streets, Gretchen is becoming eerily similar to one Almira Gulch, AKA The Wicked Witch of the West. I'm just waiting for the day when she eyes Tamra and says, "I'll get you, my pretty!"

Speaking of Tamra, she's trying her very best for a good sound bite about mysterious boyfriend Eddie. "Latin oomph"? "Who wouldn't want to hump him?" Not quite quote-worthy. "He's so humpable"? Okay, getting closer. "He kissed me back to life"? Cha-ching! We have liftoff! So now that we know more than we ever wanted about Eddie's sexual prowess, we actually get to meet the guy. Tamra and Eddie meet with their friend/third wheel Marcos for a dinner by the sea, complete with romantic sunset and – wait, are those Snuggies? The presence of a third person at the table couldn't deter Tamra and Eddie from some starting their foreplay just a tad too early. Check, please! Back at Eddie's house, Tamra ran a bath and put on her best "come hither" gaze. Eddie needed a little liquid confidence before stripping in front of a camera crew, so he quickly downed his glass of wine and joined Tamra in the tub to prove how humpable he really is.

As the door surreptitiously shuts on Eddie's bathroom/love den, another episode of "The Real Housewives" comes to a close. The girls were somewhat isolated this week, and while it was nice to get a glimpse of their lives apart from the group, it will be good to get them back together for some good old-fashioned Bravo fireworks. Until next time, "here's to friendship and whoo-hooing it up!"

Top Chef: "Island Fever"

If Richard fails to take home the All Stars title and decides to turn his back on cooking forever, I think he could find another career in writing show synopses for TV Guide. What better description of Top Chef have you heard than, "Cooking with not enough time, not enough equipment, and a twist." That about sums it up! It was an interesting week in the (outdoor) kitchen, though I suspect it would have been a bit more interesting had Carla stuck around to dive for conch. I've been baking bread and growing a beard, so I feel fully prepared to write about the semi-finals. Here goes nothing!

The Good:

• Mad skills. If you pulled the head chef from your favorite restaurant, dropped him on an island and instructed him to cook a meal, what are the chances it would turn out to be as successful as the contestants' dishes were in this episode? Probably slim to none. Granted, Mike, Richard, Antonia and Tiffany are accustomed to Top Chef's style of cookery, but you have to admit that their feats this week were pretty impressive. Cooking a meal on a beach without getting even one grain of sand in the food? Now that's what I call talent.

• The results. Even though Tiffany served up a pretty decent meal, I couldn't have handled it if she had made it to the top three. I'm already sitting here thinking that it's a crying shame that Dale and Angelo are nowhere in sight, so Tiffany's exit was the saving grace of the integrity of the show, in my opinion. In every reality competition show, there is always the phenomenon of those who ride coattails or get by staying under the radar. I'm not denying that Tiffany is more talented than 95% of chefs in the country, but she just hasn't proved herself enough throughout this season to deserve a run for the grand prize.

The Bad:

• The quickfire. I really liked the concept of the quickfire challenge: testing the chefs' consistency and precision. However, why do a team challenge with only four contestants remaining? I think they could have easily made this an individual challenge by asking them to create only 50 plates instead of 100, so I'm not sure why the producers opted to pair everyone up. It's Top Chef, singular, not Top Chefs, plural (or Top Scallop, for that matter).
  
• Padma's showboating. I think there are two possible explanations for Padma's bikini moment in this episode. One, Bravo is trying to increase their straight male viewership. Two, Padma is rooting for Richard and Mike and wanted to give a blow to the girls' egos right before the elimination challenge. Either way, I'm not sure what the point was of wearing a skimpy bikini to greet the chefs at the dock.

The Ugly:

• Boys' club. The Nassau Yacht Club wasn't the only exclusive group on Top Chef this week. Richard and Mike immediately paired up in the quickfire challenge, and I'm getting tired of hearing them say in their confessionals that Tiffany and Antonia don't cook interesting or challenging food. You would think that, after competing with them (and often losing to them, at least in Antonia's case) all season, the boys would have a little more respect for their female competition. But instead they just complain or make excuses when the ladies are given accolades instead of just giving credit where credit is due. Sour grapes, anyone?

Miscellaneous Tidbits:

• Was anyone else a little surprised that none of the chefs were even a little skeptical about the truth behind the concept of the elimination challenge? After being told last week that they were cooking for Bahamian royalty and then ending up in a fish shack, I think it would take a little convincing that the "Nassau Yacht Club" was not actually code for "aboriginal cannibals who speak only in clicks and pops."
  

Quotable Quotes:

• "Does anybody have a machete?" - On what other cooking show would you hear such craziness? This is why I love Top Chef!

So, who are you rooting for now that it's down to three? Do you think that Richard can combat Mike Isabella's winning streak? Does Antonia even have a chance? Leave a comment and let me know what you think!

Teen Mom 2: "Two Steps Forward"

Can anyone read the phrase "two steps forward" and NOT think of Paula Abdul? Okay, good. Glad it's not just me. All of our Moms took two steps forward this week, with many changes going on in each of their lives, but just because you're going forward doesn't mean you're on the right path.

*If it's your first time here, make sure to hover over the pictures to get the full effect*

The Good:

• Junior. Unlike Kieffer's brother Chris, (who now owes DJ Jazzy Jeff $1,000 for copyright infringement, by the way), Jo's brother, Junior, is not a deadbeat. We don't see much of him, but we hear about him all the time because it seems like he's constantly watching Isaac. I know Isaac is his nephew, but still, I hope he's getting paid for watching him so often.

• Randallicious. Do I like that Randy let Chelsea sweet-talk him into Lady Gaga tickets and a night on the town? No. But we all know he has a weak spot in his wallet for his daughter. The reason why he's a Good this week is because the man cracks me up! I love his meal times with Chelsea because they give us priceless nuggets like, "A fairy tale has to have a prince, not a toad" and "Who's this Lady Gaga?" I'm thinking about starting a Twitter account (which will eventually be turned into a disappointing television series) called $h*! Chelsea's Dad Says.

• A mother's intuition. I think Leah and, more surprisingly, Chelsea had some great insight this week into their personal situations. Who can blame Leah, an 18-year-old girl who's only been with her fiance for a few months, for questioning her decision to get married? And when she felt a bit of doubt come creeping in, she didn't just push it down and dismiss it. She shared it with Corey, who didn't have the best reaction, but a marriage isn't about holding back your feelings to spare someone else from a little bit of heartache (That reminds me: Guy, I think that favorite sweater of yours is hideously ugly). Whether or not Corey is the man she should marry is something only Leah can decide, but if she stays true to herself like she has thus far, I think any marriage she commits to will be a success. As for Chelsea, she finally got some clarity when it comes to Adam. She may still need her friends' instruction to delete Adam's Facebook comments, but her realization that "It doesn't work if you do it backwards" is one of the wisest things I've heard come out of her mouth all year.

The Bad:

• Adam. If I had a magic wand, I would point it at Adam and say, "Begone!" Please, MTV, don't subject us to any more quad riding on the streets of South Dakota with this fool. If a Teen Mom kicks her baby's daddy to the curb, that's the last I want to see of him, too.

• Kail and Jo. I think these two are my least favorite couple because neither one of them is very endearing. From a drama perspective, I would rather watch Amber slap Gary around or see Barbara plea with Jenelle not to throw her life away before sitting through another five minutes of Kailyn and Jo bickering about a garbage bag and an unsigned check. No wonder Janet wanted them to resolve things in their relationship!

The Ugly:

• Jenelle. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be Jenelle's mom. I imagine there would be a lot of "Don't talk to me like I'm your little friend down the street" and "I brought you into this world and I can take you out" kind of talk. There would also be a lot of head shaking. Jenelle knows right from wrong, and she knew it wasn't right to take her mom's credit cards, but she did it anyway. If she had sat for a moment and thought it through, she may have realized that not only is taking your mother's credit cards without permission stupid, but it will also blow your cover of saying you're going to Myrtle Beach when you're actually going to New Jersey. So, a double whammy there. But Jenelle acts first, thinks second, denies third. She's the epitome of the Paula Abdul song I mentioned earlier, taking two steps forward, then two steps back.

Miscellaneous Tidbits:

• Remember when Kailyn's friend said of Jordan, "Dumb people can be fun sometimes"? That's kind of how I feel about Corey. When he suggested to Leah that they take a survey of their friends and family to see how many thought they should get married, I laughed out loud. And his accent only compounds the Forrest Gump-ness. Poor Corey.

What did you think of this week's Teen Mom? Do you have any sympathy for Kailyn or Jo? Do you think Jace is going to have hearing loss from Jenelle yelling in his ear? Did you detect a slight smile on Randy's face when he talked about Chelsea breaking up with Adam? Leave a comment!

Glee: "Original Song"

Glee finally decided to drop the social agenda, at least for 95% of the episode, and I think it was better for it. For the first time in a long time, Glee focused on the music with 10, count 'em, 10 songs in this episode. The way I felt watching Glee go back to basics in "Original Song" is kind of like the warm, fuzzy feeling I get when MTV plays a music video. This is how things are supposed to be!

The Good:

• Glee's self-awareness. Sometimes, while I'm eating generic Raisinets and watching Glee, something happens on the show and I think of a snarky comment in my head that I will later use in this blog. Then, almost immediately, a character on the show expresses the same sentiment that I just had in my chocolate-covered haze of a viewing party. Though it can be frustrating for my writing mojo, I appreciate it when Glee has some self-awareness. For instance, when Kurt deemed The Warblers "Blaine & The Pips" or when Rachel said, "I cry every time I sing a solo," I felt like that was Glee giving me a subtle wink and saying, "Don't worry. We know where you're coming from." And who doesn't like to be winked at by one of their favorite shows every so often? Glee really knows how to make a girl feel loved.

• Original songs! The Glee clubbers were way beyond rhyming books with their song-writing capabilities that seem to have appeared out of thin air, but I didn't mind. "Trouty Mouth"? "Big Ass Heart"? "Hell to the No"? More, please! Not only were these songs a welcome change in style from the Top 40 stuff that I normally complain about, but they were hilarious and catchy, too! I'm sure I'll have "guppy fa-a-a-a-ace" stuck in my head for quite some time.

The Bad:

• Quinn. Her voice-over at the beginning of the episode felt strangely out of place, and, more importantly, Quinn seems to be morphing into a Sue Jr., except drastically less entertaining. Her collection of tiaras and her obsession with getting her way remind me a lot of Sue and her vices. The only reason Quinn isn't an Ugly this week is because we didn't see enough of her to push her down into the bowels of bloggery.

• Get It Right. The song itself wasn't that bad, but can The New Directions seriously let Rachel sing an entire number on her own and still win a group competition? That doesn't seem fair. I mean, at least The Warblers make beatboxing noises in the background while Blaine does his thing. Most of the New Directions weren't even on stage for this number. Give Rachel the spotlight some other time and focus on the team at Sectionals (Regionals? What the heck is the difference? What day is it?).

The Ugly:

• Kathy Griffin. I like Kathy. I really do. I've defended her against my husband's criticisms many times. But this cameo was exactly what I don't like about Glee. What was the point of having her come in and do a blatant parody of Sarah Palin? It wasn't even funny (or timely, for that matter). I don't know if it was Kathy's idea or the producers', but I think the opportunity for a great guest role was lost on this one.

Miscellaneous:

• Did Kurt seriously pull out a cassette tape for his tribute to Pavarotti? What child born after 1990 even knows what one of these is? And The Warblers just had a tape player right there in their board room? Unless this is Harry Potter and they were meeting in The Room of Requirement, I have to call B.S.
  

Quotable Quotes:

• "I don't even remember putting that in there." Brittany, re: the dirt Sue put in her locker
• "Guys, just think about it. What's your favorite song of all time?" - Mr. Schue

"My Headband." - Brittany

Real Housewives of Miami: "Waterfront and Center"

This isn't in my usual blogging style, but I wrote a recap of last night's Real Housewives of Miami to submit for a potential writing position on Reality Tea, so I figured, why let it go to waste? I found that writing with a stricter format is, naturally, more challenging for me, especially in an hour-long show that jumps back and forth a lot. Plus, the recap was supposed to be limited to around 550 words. Mine was around 675, but it was too hard to cut anything else out. I mean, what's an extra 125 words if they're highly entertaining and hilarious, right? Wish me luck!

The Recap:
Lizards and bunnies and pig roasts – oh, my! This week's "Real Housewives of Miami" was filled with all creatures, great and small, along with the usual dose of Housewife cattiness.

Larsa, in a misguided attempt at good parenting, passed out reptiles like they're $10 bills. Neither she nor Scottie is too keen on the idea of caring for the little guys, however, so naturally, the job is delegated to the nannies. "They're still not dead, so it's cute," Larsa said, referring to her sons' pets, but I wasn't entirely convinced she was talking about the animals and not her hired help. Furthering the dead animal theme, the Echeverrias decided to host a pig roast, so Alexia strapped on her "casual" heels for a trip to the farm with Herman and her sons. Unfortunately, she forgot to wear her Louis Vuitton nose plugs, so the smell of swine in the morning put a damper on the outing.

Meanwhile, Marysol and Philippe sat down for what could have been either a nice business meeting or perhaps a marriage proposal, but it was hard to tell by the couple's demeanor. Philippe had taken all the traditional steps in preparing for an engagement: asking his bride-to-be's father for her "hands," buying a large piece of jewelry from her mother, and, presumably, rehearsing his heartfelt emotions over and over until they became almost robotic in delivery. Would it kill him to sound a little more convincing when comparing his fiancée to an industrial operation?

We were treated to a brief glimpse into Lea's personal style, or lack thereof, during a shopping excursion with friends. But friends don't let friends dress like Lady Gaga meets Blanche Devereaux, so a BFF Lourdes is not. Surprisingly, Lea chose an outfit of basic black for the pig roast, but boring attire didn't stop her from expressing herself in other ways. From her shock and disgust at the main course to her lack of faith in Marysol's relationship, Lea, with some help from her Pinot Noir, was not holding back.

A little snark wasn't enough to deter Marysol from her plans to elope, however, so her mom paid a visit to help her choose a dress for the pending nuptials. Though it appeared as if Elsa had been lured to Marysol's home under the guise of receiving free food, she was more than happy to dole out compliments (and dire warnings to avoid "r-r-rolling down" the mountain), despite the fact that she has lost count of the number of times her daughter has been married. When Marysol finally arrived in Aspen and the moment of truth was at hand, she openly expressed a bit of hesitation at committing to a lifetime with her "cheri." If matching sweaters and sweet nothings whispered during après-ski can't convince her, I don't know what can. Let's just hope, at least for the sake of Philippe's green card, that the third time's the charm for Marysol.

Alexia and Cristy, AKA Barbie and Skipper, showed their support of the Miami fashion community by lending their fabulous bods to a local designer for an upcoming show. Alexia looked amazing in the gowns she tried on. Cristy, on the other hand, could have used a little more fabric and a little less maraca. Before you could say "arriba," Cristy was off to lunch with an old friend, ready to proclaim Lea "The Tackiest of Them All." Her fashion choices may raise eyebrows, but Lea proved that she can be honest and caring (with a requisite dash of abrasiveness) during her heart-to-heart with Adriana. Financial hardships, ex-husband woes, and spats with her fiancé have initiated Adriana into the School of Hard Knocks, but with Lea by her side, she'll be able to see past the brim of that floppy hat and into her bright future in no time.

Though we're already more than halfway through this short, six-episode season of "The Real Housewives of Miami," they've packed quite a punch so far. Do you agree that good things come in small packages, or are you left wanting more from our spicy ladies?

Top Chef: "Fit for a King"

So the Final Five have made it to the Bahamas. The climate may be more tropical and Padma's outfits more skimpy, but not much else has changed since we last saw our Top Chef contestants in New York City. Mike is still as arrogant as ever, Richard as nervous and Tiffany as boring. Here's the Good, Bad and Ugly from "Fit for a King."

The Good:

• The quickfire. Not only was Fort Charlotte the perfect setting for a throwdown against chefs of yore, but the concept of the quickfire challenge was fun, as well -- a little "Top Chef meets Iron Chef". I could tell by the bags under Richard's eyes that he wasn't lying when he claimed to have cooked every fish that swims within 100 miles of the island, so I'm sure he was disappointed when the secret ingredient was not, in fact, the rare Sharpnose Puffer but instead, a painfully common rack of veal. And he didn't even get to chase it down and kill it himself. Regardless of Richard's potential disappointment with the ingredients, he, along with Tiffany and Mike Isabella, pulled off an upset against their respective "Iron Chefs." Carla and Antonia failed to take home the 10 grand and the pride that goes along with winning a quickfire, and it was only the beginning of a disappointing episode for the two strongest women competitors.
  

The Bad:

• The elimination challenge. The "royalty" twist really wasn't that surprising, and the fryer fire only made for a slightly more exciting end of the evening. For the first challenge of the finale, I was disappointed. First of all, I would have liked to have seen the chefs shop for ingredients. I think it's more fun to watch them go to the store or a local market and choose from what's there, rather than just taking their pick from the Top Chef kitchen. I also didn't understand why Tom was explaining their dishes to the other judges rather than having the chefs present the dishes themselves. Though the equipment limitations threw some of the chefs for a loop, I wish this challenge could have been a little more creative by design.
• Assumptions. You know what they say when you assume... After being on two seasons of Top Chef, you should know that things are never as they seem. So not only was it disappointing that most of the chefs were duped by the premise of serving royalty, but it was also silly that they bought into the idea that the King of Junkanoo wouldn't enjoy classy food as much as the real King of the Bahamas (if there even is such a thing). How many challenges have we seen on Top Chef involving children or other blue collar clients, where the cheftestants get scolded for dumbing down their concepts to fit their audience? So what if King Vola's palate isn't as refined as Queen Elizabeth's? Gail's bad spray tan aside, it's her, Tom and Padma who are the end all, be all, so they're the ones you should be trying to please.

The Ugly:

• Self-doubt. Richard and Carla were my two favorites of the remaining chefs. Now that Carla is gone, I can only hope that Nervous Nelly will stop psyching himself out and bring home the bacon. It's so sad to see such successful professionals struggle so deeply with self-doubt and negativity. Carla was really a victim of circumstance in the quickfire challenge, but she held on to the feeling of failure and carried it through to the elimination challenge. If her MacGyver skills in real life are anything like what they were in the kitchen, I would not want to be trapped on a crashing airplane with only Carla, a tablecloth and a paperclip. Richard, on the other hand, admitted to worrying about everything and hating everything he makes. If that's not the understatement of the century, then Mike Isabella hasn't gained 20 pounds since season six. I can understand being a perfectionist and fearing failure, but Richard's got to have a little more confidence in what he does. You don't make it to the finale of two seasons of Top menChef on luck and personality alone (which is why Fabio isn't walking his pet turtle on the shores of Nassau).

Next week's episode looks as if it continues the Survivor motif that's appeared throughout Top Chef All Stars, and I can't wait to see the chefs duke it out yet again. What did you think of "Fit for a King"?

Teen Mom 2: "Slippery Slope"

Oh, it's slippery, all right. If you watched the preview for next week's episode, you know that this week's "Teen Mom 2" was just a prelude to all hell breaking loose. In the meantime, though, we have plenty to discuss without looking so far ahead, so let's get to it.

The Good:

• Grandmas. I'd like to think that a mother-daughter relationship is something unique and special - something that, no matter how broken it may seem, is never fully beyond repair. So I was happy to see that the Grandmas were all batting a thousand this week, even when their daughters continually struck out. It was sweet of Leah's mom to spring for the wedding gown Leah wanted, despite the $1,000 price tag. That's a lot of money, even for someone who doesn't live in a trailer and pronounce "eye" like "ahh." I suppose maybe MTV could give them a cash advance, but I hope Dawn doesn't have to pawn her family heirlooms to pay for the rest of the wedding. Kailyn's mom, Suzi, also came through by taking Kail in when she needed a roof over her head (it's about time) and also standing up for her when she didn't even totally deserve it. I didn't see Kailyn's episode of "16 and Pregnant," so I don't know the full background of the relationship between these two, but I think Suzi was completely reasonable in her house rules and completely generous in her involvement in the Jo situation. Lastly, even Barbara was a star Grandma this week. She was even-keeled and honest with Jenelle in regard to her expectations and her hopes for the future. She also kept her temper when, yet again, Jenelle abused her trust. Sometimes Barbara gets these goofy grins when things are going her way that just utterly kill me. She seems so simple-minded and innocent, and I tend to forget the witch that lurks just beneath the kooky smiles. But ignorance is bliss, and as long as Barbie keeps the witch in check, I'm on her side.

• Ali. Was this Ali's week or what? She's got a brand-new pair of specs, her MRI came back clean, and she can roll from her belly to her back! I'm rooting for Little Chubby Legs. She deserves a break!

The Bad:

• Dr. Lubicky's bedside manner. This guy irked me the first time he examined Ali, and it seems that he hasn't gotten much better at patient relations. Maybe the cameras make him nervous, but he really doesn't have the most eloquent way with words.

• Jenelle's judgments. Why is it so hard for this girl to play by the rules? Maybe because she's young and dumb, but it's difficult to sympathize with someone who makes so many stupid decisions. She says she just wants someone to love her, but what she doesn't realize is that "love" doesn't equate to always getting your way. Remember when your parents said, "we're doing this for your own good"? Jenelle doesn't really grasp that concept. It's her way or the highway, or, in the case of the New Jersey road trip, both.

• Chelsea's relationship meter. In La-La Land, otherwise known as Chelsea's brain, a trip to the fair can either make or break a relationship that, to the rest of the world, is already smashed to smithereens. Not did Adam balk at paying the $5 entrance fee, but he couldn't keep his sleazy eyeballs from wandering to the undoubtedly pathetic girls who make up his sexual history. Adam would make out with the Bearded Lady if she offered him free admission to the Freak Show (everybody cheats, right?), so I still can't figure out why Chelsea gives him so many chances. It's hard to take her reprimands seriously when she has a smirk on her face the whole time, and ultimately it was Adam who put the kibosh on their domestic "bliss." Maybe a rich woman offered to feed him grapes and fan him with palms while he plays "Call of Duty" all day, but I was somewhat disappointed that Chelsea lost her chance to truly put him in his place.
  

The Ugly:

• Kailyn. She's really been rubbing me the wrong way lately. I get that she works hard to balance two jobs, school, and being a mother, but she's a bit ungrateful for what other people are handing her on a silver platter. $600 is nothing to scoff at, and I don't blame Jo for wanting a payback before releasing Kailyn's belongings. He had no obligation to lend her that money, and she doesn't seem to have even tried to pay him back. Can she honestly not even scrape together $100 to just appease him and smooth over the situation? I think she needs to spend a little less time rock climbing and eating at diners and a little more time thinking about opening a savings account.

Miscellaneous Tidbits:

• In the background of one of the shots at Chelsea's house, I noticed a large photograph of her in a Miley Cyrus in Vanity Fair type pose, holding Aubree. Really?? No one wants to see that.
  

What did you think about Teen Mom 2 this week? Do you think our Moms will ever be able to climb back to the top of their slippery slopes?

Glee: "Sexy"

In the words of Salt 'N Pepa, let's talk about sex, baby*. Since Glee just can't resist the hot topics, we were treated (?) to an episode where we got "the ditty on the dirty." I knew the sexisode was coming, so I braced myself for yet another hour of grimacing and shaking my head, but, I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised with the results of Glee getting its sexy back**.

The Good:

• Burt. How much does Mike O'Malley get paid per episode? Whatever it is, I vote we pay him that amount per word. Some day, when Kurt graduates from high school or the Hellmouth opens and absorbs McKinley High (wait, wrong show), I will passionately petition for a spin-off starring The Hummels.

• What Burt said. I don't just love Burt's character for his hat-wearing, putting-Blaine-in-his-place ways. I actually really appreciated the inclusion of his sex talk with Kurt, and I think it helped a lot with my position on the episode as a whole. My opinions on sex & love tend to be in line with Kurt's (I've tried watching those movies, but I just get horribly depressed and I think about how they were all kids once and they all have mothers and, god, what would their mothers think and why would you get that tattoo there?) so I was afraid of what questionable values Glee would try to enforce on us this week. However, if you take away the polar extremes of the utterly ridiculous celibacy club and the free-loving Holly Holliday, I think what Burt said to Kurt is a perfectly happy medium. From Jersey Shore and their smushing to CSI and its portrayal of "rainbow parties," a lot of the media would have us believe that sex is rampant among teenagers. And while I'm not going to contend that kids aren't doing it, I can only hope that one day, when I have a teenager, I can convey to them the message that Burt tried to get across to Kurt -- yes, sex is fun, but it makes you vulnerable and it matters. You matter. The mechanics and the risks are explained just fine by a pamphlet, but what I want my kids to know is that dignity and self-respect are a big part of the equation, too. I'm already planning on buying the Season 2 DVDs so I can pop them in, in 20-odd years and let old B.H. tell my children about the birds and the bees. We'll still be using DVDs in 2031, right?

• Santana. I really like that we've been seeing a different side of Santana this year. She's super hot and super bitchy, but the girl has a softer side, and I, for one, like it. Her locker conversation with Brittany was another one of those moments where I'm glad I haven't given up on this show. What I want to know is this: are the writers the same on every episode of Glee? Because whoever wrote this one should keep it up. It is possible for Glee to be both entertaining and meaningful. It may be rare, but when they get it right, they get it right.

The Bad:

• Emma. Can someone please remind this twerp that she is married to Uncle Jesse? Emma's ultraconservative, germophobic ways are no longer cute. They're just ultra-annoying. Maybe Sue will push her down the stairs in a quest to become McKinley's new guidance counselor. We can only hope.

• Brittany. At the conclusion of their "Landslide" performance, Brittany looked at Santana and asked, "Is that really how you feel?" So you mean to tell me that the girl who thinks babies come from storks and gets confused over the most important meal of the day somehow understood the garbled message in a song originally written from a daughter to a father? Not buying it.

• PLauren/Luck. Whatever you want to call them, I am sick of this couple. I might be weight-ist, I don't know. I'm just struggling with the sheer impossibility that such a couple would ever exist for longer than a millisecond. Maybe it would be more believable if Mark Salling was a better actor, but I get the feeling that he wants to gag every time he has to share so much as a romantic glance with Ashley Fink. You can have all the witty banter in the world, but if the on-screen chemistry is lacking, the next Ross & Rachel you are not.

• Gross underestimations. Will remarked that he had seen how a teenage pregnancy can turn someone's world upside down. Um, he isn't talking about Quinn's pregnancy, right? Because in that case, Glee would have us believe that labor is over and done with before you can say "Freddie Mercury," and you can subsequently give your baby up for adoption, drop the pregnancy pounds and regain your spot as head cheerleader without ever giving it a second thought. I wouldn't exactly call that "turning someone's world upside down."

The Ugly:

• Quinn. I guess now that Santana has a heart, someone has to take the spot of Supreme Bitch, and apparently Quinn is next in line for the crown. But it's not just the character or her unfortunate storylines that are bothering me; I can't stand Dianna Agron's voice! Not every line has to be delivered with a breathy, sexy tone...even if this is the sex episode!

• The Warblers. Despite their ability to breakdance in a bubble storm, the Warblers are so unimpressive to me. Every song they sing is just an auto-tuned, Kids Bop type version of the Billboard flavor of the moment. I'm guessing these performances help Glee's presence on the iTunes charts, but I think the show is at its best when they stay far away from the auto-tune dial.

Miscellaneous Tidbits:

• Kurt's "sexy" dancing reminded me of Billy Crystal in "When Harry Met Sally"

Quotable Quotes:

• "My sex tape with J.D. Sallinger was a disaster."

What are your thoughts & opinions on "Sexy"?

*How was this song not in the episode?
**How was this song not in the episode?

Top Chef: "Give Me Your Huddled Masses"

Remember when I said a few weeks ago that the Top Chef competitors seemed to be confused as to what reality show in which they were participating? Well, it seems as if the producers are a bit confused too, what with the tearful family reunions this week being a page right out of Survivor's book. If only the husband, wife and mothers had to compete in the challenge rather than acting only as passive judges. Nonetheless, I thought this was an all-around great episode of Top Chef. Here's the Good, Bad and Ugly from "Give Me Your Huddled Masses."

The Good:

• The quickfire. The design of this quickfire was great. I really liked seeing the chefs being constrained to a limited number of ingredients and cooking methods. I also loved that they weren't given a specific time for the challenge. Instead, they had to whip up an edible dish in the time it took for their ferry to travel from dock to dock. Now that's a true test of a chef's creativity. I have to say, I may start wearing a bracelet embroidered with the letters WWBD, for What Would Blais Do, because the man has a solution for pretty much every culinary conundrum that comes his way. Though his ego usually anoints himself the king of every challenge, I d agree that his hot dog creation should have won over Carla's carrot-juice-soaked oranges. Richard was resourceful and creative, the key to winning almost any quickfire challenge.
• The elimination challenge. Maybe it was just an excuse for the producers to spill the beans on Mike and Antonia's shared branch of their family trees, but I really liked the concept and execution of this week's elimination challenge. Antonia's "good nose" may have been able to sniff out Padma's perfume at the chefs' apartment earlier in the day, but when she hazarded a guess on the elimination challenge (base jumping off a building and frying an egg before hitting the ground), she was a bit off. Regardless of Antonia's inability to sniff out the family reunion challenge, though, it was fun to see the frazzled chefs getting a chance to pore over their ancestries with a loved one. Surprisingly absent was any mention of Carla's Fraggle lineage, but we did discover the roots of Richard's competitive spirit and Tiffany's laugh (so piercing that my dogs actually stopped what they were doing to stare at the television). And apparently, the added pressure of cooking for family helped each chef execute a near-perfect dish. I feel an idea for a new series coming on -- Top Chef: Families. Each chef is paired with a member of their family who is not nearly as skilled with a knife. It could work. Call me, Andy Cohen.

The Bad:

• Padma's big trick. Okay, it was no surprise to the viewers that Padma wasn't really telling Richard to pack his knives and go, but she almost gave the poor guy a stroke for no good reason! If you've ever wanted to see someone's heart break right before your eyes, this was your chance. I hope that Top Chef will have medics at the ready for the next few eliminations, because if Blais reaches the end of his road, a defibrillator might be necessary.

The Ugly:

• Indecisive judges. I thought for sure that the photo of Mikey's flaming dance costume and the burning towel at his feet in the kitchen were foreshadowing for his ultimate demise. But evidently a good nose must run in the family because Antonia's mom suggested that the judges have a final five and -- what do you know? -- it came to be. There are three ways the judges could have arrived at the decision to send all of the contestants to the finale: 1. They truly value Antonia's mom's opinions (not likely) 2. They had planned on sending all five chefs to the finale, regardless of the results of this challenge. 3. The chefs really did make such good meals that sending anyone home would have been a case of splitting hairs. Though I think option number three is the most likely of a choice for how this decision went down, it's still a bit disappointing. Maybe I just feel that Tiffany has worn out her welcome, and I'd like to see her two-step it back to Texas. But even if Carla had gone home instead, at least it wouldn't have been a cop-out. Top Chef has to have winners and losers. There is always a dish that is dubbed inferior to the others. If I wanted to see a trophy awarded to all participants, I'd go to a kindergarten T-ball tournament. I wish that Tom and crew had been a little less wishy-washy and followed the challenge protocol rather than taking the easy way out.

So now it's off to the Bahamas with a cast of five. Any predictions on the winner of Top Chef: All Stars?

Teen Mom 2: "Pushing the Limit"

This week's episode, "Pushing the Limit," showed our Moms testing the boundaries of their relationships. And, like a baby bounced on Corey's knee at warp speed, the girls were, understandably, a bit rattled at the end of the hour.

The Good:

• The Mamas and the Papas. I think each of the girls had good support from their parents this week. Randy and Chelsea had a nice father-daughter bonding session at the playground, and he offered up some words of advice to Chelsea, which, I'm sure, went in one ear and out the other (but that's beside the point). Kailyn reluctantly sat through a talk with Janet on the state of affairs with her and Jo, and while I still feel like Janet should focus a little more on how her son treats Kailyn to begin with, I do think her heart is in the right place. She only wants to encourage Kailyn to work on the relationship rather than fleeing into the arms of a giant man-child whose idea of a romantic evening is a Guitar Hero jam session followed by an invigorating round of laser tag. Leah's family is by her side, as always, so there's nothing new there, but I even sided with Barbara this week when it came to how she treated Jenelle. Aside from the greeting of, "Oh, what are you doing here?" when Jenelle first showed up, Barbara welcomed her and her "damn lying hustler" boyfriend back into her home with only a few simple requests: don't use the inside broom to sweep the outside, don't eat the baby's food, and don't do drugs on the front porch. It really wasn't a hard regimen to follow. Still, it's no surprise that Jenelle blew it. Though 75% of the Moms didn't take their parents' advice to heart, I was still glad to see some quality parenting by their dear old moms and dads.

The Bad:

• Adam. Is this kid really such a giant loser, or does he just play one on television? Not only did Adam have a continuous, as my mom would say, "shit-eating grin" on his face, but he kept breaking the fourth wall and looking at the camera while making his asinine comments. Adam is a lazy, disrespectful bum, and if I were Chelsea, I would take a note out of Kevin McCallister's book and give him till the count of 10 to get his ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property.

The Ugly:

• Needy moms. Seeing Chelsea's scramble to tighten the reins on Adam and Jenelle's tear-filled rant about wanting to feel loved just makes me feel like something went drastically wrong in these girls' developing years to taint their view of a healthy relationship. It's a bit easier to pinpoint the source of Jenelle's sorrows, what with the absent father and mother who thinks "here, have a bracelet," is a sufficient solution to a baby's disappointment, but where did Chelsea get the misguided idea that the way Adam treats her is acceptable? I think we need to send her to a few "Girl Power" seminars to make her realize that she is good enough, smart enough, and, doggone it, people like her. She doesn't have to settle for a deadbeat dad who equates working hard with hardly working. I've had my issues with Chelsea and Jenelle's life choices in the past, but I think both of them (and their children) could benefit from a few lessons in self-worth.

Miscellaneous Tidbits:

• If Leah's family thought Corey's proposal was redneck, how will they feel going to a wedding at Coonskin Park?

What are your thoughts on "Pushing the Limit"?

Teen Mom 2: "Switching Gears"

It was a somewhat calm week in Teen Mom-ville, but we still had a few big developments with the girls. Leah got engaged, Aubree started walking, and Barbara wasn't an evil witch. Read on for this week's Good, Bad & Ugly.

The Good:

• Corey's knot-tying skills. You'd have to either have a really cheap ring or be mighty confident in your ability to tie a good fisherman's knot to pull of this kind of proposal. Luckily it went off without a hitch.

• Jenelle & Barbara. I honestly didn't think they'd ever make it to this category, and, by the looks of next week's preview, they should probably relish this spot while they still can. Apparently Barbara took her meds this week because she and Jenelle were actually able to hold a civil conversation. And what's that I hear? Was that a compliment that just came out of Barbara's mouth? She actually told Jenelle that she's proud of her. Even though she slightly dissed Kieffer when expressing her hope that Jenelle would meet a cute guy "with potential," the grin on her face while she said it was too funny not to excuse the rude remark. On Jenelle's end, she managed to find a job (though it didn't look like the most challenging job interview in the world) and start college. I think, deep down, Jenelle is a pretty intelligent girl, but she's got a lot of barriers, many of them self-inflicted, on her road to success.

• Leah. Every week I talk about the strength of Leah and Corey's relationship and their unnatural maturity for their age. But this week, I was simply impressed with Leah alone. She takes hit after hit in Ali's health battle, but never once has her first concern been her own suffering or hardships. I know if it were me, there'd probably be at least one whimper of "why me?" but Leah has been solely focused on her daughter's future, not her own. And what better sign of a good mother is there than a willingness to self-sacrifice for your child.

The Bad:

• Chelsea's lack of ambition. Sorry, Chels, but moving and reuniting with your baby daddy do not qualify as life changes that are potentially detrimental to your studies. Having a baby in your teens? Okay, that's fair, but if Jenelle finished high school, there's no reason you can't. I don't really know if there will be any impact on Chelsea's life for choosing to get a "Good Enough Diploma" over a conventional one, but I think it's sad that she's taking the easy way out yet again. Kailyn is working two jobs, going to college and taking care of a baby. Chelsea is tanning, giving herself horrible hairstyles and trying to get Adam out of bed. There's no reason a few high-school classes can't be squeezed into that "demanding" schedule.

The Ugly:

• Bitter Betties. Jo and Kieffer win the Ugly award this week for their sour-puss attitudes. Kieffer brazenly made the blanket statement that "if you can't get a job in Wilmington, you're a dud-muffin," but he's starting to look a little doughy, if you ask me. I'm sure he's not applying for positions that require NASA-worthy intelligence or the etiquette skills of Emily Post, so I don't know why he isn't having any success on his job hunt, but the least he could do is be a little more supportive of his sugar mama. Is it Jenelle's fault that you don't know what psychology is? No. So why don't you humor her and take a look at her restaurant menu? As for Jo, hasn't he learned that sending vicious text messages is never a good idea? It's one thing to spew nasty comments in the heat of an argument, but to put them in writing is never smart. I can't decide why he is hanging on to Kailyn so tightly; it seems that it's most likely out of a bruised ego for being rejected, but Jo needs to grow up and start finding better ways to express his emotions.
  

Miscellaneous Tidbits:

• When I saw the way Corey proposed, I thought it was really cute and creative -- much better than a candlelit dinner and roses, in my opinion. But it's funny that both Leah's mom and sister called him a redneck for his "will you marry me" on the lake. I guess it's all about perspective.

Quotable Quotes:

• "If there was a pause button, I'd probably push it right now." - Chelsea
  

"If there was a rewind button, I'd have pushed it a long time ago." - Randy

Glee: "Blame it on the Alcohol"

After a long delay due to illness, I finally sat down and watched last Tuesday's Glee. I really liked the past two episodes, but the third time wasn't a charm for me. My distaste for the episode probably has a lot to do with my personal feelings about alcohol and drinking, so I'll be interested to hear what others thought of "Blame it on the Alcohol." But, whether you loved it or hated it, here are my Good, Bad and Ugly.

The Good:

• Mike O'Malley. Did Mike O'Malley win an Emmy for this role? If not, he definitely deserves one. If so, he deserves another. I love the way Mike plays Burt as such a reasonable, honest, understanding father. How many dads are baking souffles with their sons on a Saturday morning or having an open conversation about sexuality? I think Kurt's contempt is totally unwarranted. Burt truly deserves a Father of the Year award.

The Bad:

• Kurt. I still love Chris Colfer, but Kurt really gets on my nerves when he turns into a spoiled diva. It's reminiscent of the days in season one when his unrequited love toward Finn led to many a whine-fests, but I thought he had grown up a bit since then. Apparently not. His disapproval of Blaine's "experiment" with Rachel obviously stemmed more out of jealousy than a genuine concern for his friend. And he had the gall to play the gay card with his dad when he was scolded (mildly, at that) for having a boy sleep over. It's like Burt said -- he would never let Finn have a girl sleep over in his bed. Homophobia has nothing to do with it. Though I think storylines like this can help make Kurt a more well-rounded character, I wish well-rounded meant that he changed and developed rather than literally going around in circles.
• The music. Was there even one decent musical number in this entire episode? We might as well have heard a bunch of songs about Rachel's accessories, because there was nothing exciting or new about any of the performances this week. Although Figgins' pronunciation of Ke$ha was funny, it didn't make sitting through another tired version of a played-out song worthwhile.

The Ugly:

• Rachel's dress at the house party.

• Glee's moral code. This is where I may begin to alienate people, but I hate it when Glee tries to tackle big moral issues like religion or drinking, mostly because I'm strongly inclined to disagree with their point of view. I have always seen Glee as an hour-long episode of Full House, where everything wraps up so neat and tidy at the end, but the problem with that is you end up with watered-down takes on serious issues. There's a few reasons that the "giggle juice" episode bothered me, so, in order to make it easier on myself, I'll give you a nice bulleted list that you can choose to either read or vigorously scroll through with a frown on your face.
• Reason #1: Bad drunk acting. Matthew Morrison played one of the worst drunks I have ever seen. Lea Michele was a close second. Episodes about drinking in shows with actors of questionable talent are unfortunate if for no other reason than having to sit through the overacting.
• Reason #2: The implication that alcohol fuels creativity. First we have Lady Gaga's assertion that she smokes a lot of weed and drinks a lot of whiskey when she writes. But if her message didn't make it loud and clear to the masses, well, now we have Glee to reinforce it. Granted, they threw in one line at the end with Rachel saying that alcohol didn't help her songwriting, but the overarching theme was one that drinking is a perfectly good way to take your talent to the next level.
• Reason #3: Tiny excuses for bigger problems. Apparently if Finn is labeled a designated driver and Kurt stays sober to impress his crush, that's a fair representation of the portion of kids who may choose to stay above the influence. No matter that Finn must drive a school bus if he's the only DD for all of the kids at the party. I feel like Glee throws in these little quips here and there to appear like they're presenting a fair and balanced view of the issue, when in reality, they're only doing the bare minimum.
• Reason #4: And this is the biggie. The moral of this Glee story, as Beiste came right out and said, was that you can't just lecture kids. The best you can do is make them aware of the dangers and hope they're smart enough to make the right decision. This sounds to me a lot like those parents in high school who let teenagers drink at their house because "they're going to do it regardless, so I'd rather have them do it at my home." Sorry, Beiste and irresponsible high-school parents, but there's a lot more you can do beyond just crossing your fingers that your moronic teenage children will somehow make a wise choice. First of all, you can put off attending the Rosie O'Donnell cruise until your daughter and her peer-pressuring friends are out of the house. Second, you can make it a little more difficult for them to obtain alcohol -- a locked liquor cabinet is no obstacle for a seasoned high-school drunk. Third, you can set a good example. Will's millisecond of concern about being a role model went out the window as soon as he stepped into Rosalita's Roadhouse. Kids listen to what you do, not what you say. Will is an adult and while it's legal for him to drink, it's obviously not the best example for his impressionable flock of singing chickadees. Again, we had a brief revelation at the end of the show when Will passed out his pledge forms, but there was still no strong conviction that underage drinking is unacceptable. "Put it off till after nationals," he says, "but even then, feel free to break your promise and call me if you get in a jam." There's no question that underage drinking is a touchy subject, but this is why I'd prefer that Glee stay far away from these kinds of issues entirely. There's just no way they can do them justice.

Miscellaneous Tidbits:

• I enjoyed Becky and her xylophone as a throwback to "Grease."
• How funny is it that Beiste brings an entire rotisserie chicken for lunch?
• I don't like the running gag with Sue calling Emma the wrong name. Arrested Development did it first, and they did it better.

Quotable Quotes:

• "Unfortunately, Kitty Dukakis could not be here because of disinterest."

I'm looking forward to hearing everyone's thoughts on this episode. Leave a comment or message me on Facebook and tell me what you thought.