Teen Mom: Taking It Slow

So this is what the world has come to: supposedly broke moms can take out plastic surgery loans to achieve the perfect boob-to-butt ratio, so-called important questions are posed via text message when the questioner and the questionee are sitting less than five feet apart, and not one but two guys chase after a classless, abusive girl who's really not quite beautiful either inside or out. Thank heavens that MTV allows it all to play out over national television -- what would we do without the drama of Teen Mom?

On the first episode of season three with the original cast, we saw Farrah spend more time deciding what size bra will have the biggest effect on her modeling career than determining who she wants to raise her child in case her trip under the knife actually lands her six feet under (and knowing the fate of Sophia's dad, you'd think Farrah would be a little more concerned about an untimely death). We saw Catelynn and Tyler contemplate taking a big step in their relationship (note to Tyler: if you leap into fire, you WILL get burned. There's no "if"). We saw Amber put in her place by a kind-looking therapist ("coach"?), and we finally got the answer to a question we've all been waiting for -- is Kyle slow? Other than a bit of manufactured drama in the form of a child-support payment mix-up and a lot of fake phone calls between Farrah and "loan officers" (MTV production assistants), the first episode of Teen Mom was more of a setup for the rest of the season than an exciting hour of television.

One of the most notable scenes of the night featured a surprisingly coherent Farrah returning home after her breast augmentation. As anyone who has seen "David After Dentist" knows, most people are a bit loopy following a surgical procedure. But Farrah's attitude is so bad, it even penetrates a post-anesthesia haze, and poor Michael gets the brunt of the abuse. While Sophia waits on the steps, displaying more patience than her mother has in her left pinky finger, Michael experiences how much weight a "full C" really adds as he attempts the impossible task of making Farrah comfortable. With bags of frozen vegetables finally secured in their proper positions, Farrah even scolds Michael for telling Sophia to sit still. Every time The Beast rears her ugly head, I find myself wishing for Amber to stop by and slap her around a bit. Her sense of entitlement and pure lack of respect for other human beings is absolutely hideous.

Shows like Teen Mom are such a guilty pleasure for me, but as the girls' lives deteriorate and the facade of reality television grows thicker, I find it hard to justify the small amount of joy I get out of watching this train wreck. I can't say I'm ready to give the show up for good, but I hope that MTV will someday become at least slightly more responsible for the lives they are exploiting.

The Office: "Training Day"

The Office has finally returned, and it's time to start bidding adieu to our dear Michael Scott. To Oscar, Michael's departure may be nothing more than "a lot to process, paperwork-wise," but to me it's the end of an era. I've heard mixed reviews about the first leg of Michael's race out of Scranton, "Training Day," but I was more happy than not with the episode.

The Good:

• Deangelo Vickers. I truly feared the day that Will Ferrell would tread on the hallowed grounds of my beloved Office set. I've never liked the guy (no, not even in Anchorman), and I was dreadfully afraid of the frown lines I might develop after having to endure his antics for a four-episode stint. However, I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised with the way Mr. Ferrell played his cards. I thought Deangelo was a perfect combination of quirky and straitlaced and definitely not overly Ferrell-ized. If The Office is going to be causing me permanent facial indentations of any sort, at least it won't be a result of a bad guest star.
• Darryl's sister! Not since Dwight and Toby mistook her for Darryl and told her to eat dog food have we seen the warehouse-upgrade's baby sister. I'm glad that she has nothing better to do than deliver cowboy paraphernalia to aid in Darryl's brown-nosing, but I'm even more glad that I was reminded of one of the most hilarious hijinks people other than Michael have gotten themselves into.
• Ellie Kemper. It takes a lot to get a role on a well-established show like The Office and become a standout, but that's exactly what Ellie Kemper has done. She usually gets more screen time than some of the show's veterans, but she certainly doesn't squander her chances to become a star. I think Ellie is so great at playing the ditz in a believable yet lovable way. The expression on her face when Deangelo corrected her phone greeting ("oh, assist") was key, and it proved to be one of the episode's most entertaining vignettes.

The Bad:

• The office funny guy. As much as I love Ed Helms and as well as he did with the physical comedy, I hope Andy's stint as the office funny guy doesn't last for long. There's only so many times you can see a guy pour hot coffee on his crotch and not be tempted to change the channel.
• Holly. Where was she? In the absence of his voice of reason, Michael was back to his usual antics. I'd have to think that if Holly was present, there was no way Michael would have attempted to trigger Deangelo's peanut allergy just because he was feeling a bit jealous of the new guy. Holly is the angel on Michael's shoulder, and it seemed a bit odd that, after making such a life-changing decision when we last saw the pair, she was nowhere to be found this week.

The Ugly:

• Jim and Pam, AKA JAP. Someone tell me because I tend not to remember little details about shows I watch: were Jim and Pam always this annoying, or is it just recently? Maybe it's a true-to-life scenario where parents become so absorbed in their child's "cute" activities that they lose a grip on what's actually funny and entertaining, but Jim and Pam have become almost intolerable to me lately. I could totally sympathize with Deangelo when he told them to "just stop."

Quotable quotes:

One of the best parts of this episode was the abundance of one-liners. Here are some of my favorites:

• "Everyone I know who skis is dead." - Deangelo
• "One of my favorite things if fanfare for its own sake." Michael
• "I happen to like the hilarious hijinks that I get myself into." Michael
• "Are you kidding? I'd come anywhere to see a turtle." Michael (again)

What did you think of "Training Day"?

Teen Mom 2: Finale

As the curtains closed on the first season of Teen Mom 2, we were reminded that old habits die hard and old dogs can't always learn new tricks. Though one of our Moms showed some growth this season, one didn't really need much growth and the other two just stayed true to their ways.

Since this was the last real episode aside from the Dr. Drew after-school special, I'd like to give each of the girls a "grade" for their performance throughout the show, rather than breaking it down into the more episode-specific Good, Bad and Ugly.

The Good:

• Leah. Leah has been and still remains the most centered Mom on the show. I don't mind that MTV is giving her attention because she's a positive role model and doesn't seem to be letting the show go to her head. As I've said before, I think the support structure that Leah has in her family has a lot to do with her being so well-adjusted, but even good families can have bad seeds, and Leah definitely isn't one of them. The season culminated in her taking a leap of faith into a marriage that will hopefully last a lifetime (unless, of course, she has to take Corey "for poorer," which is apparently a hilarious concept). Leah has got a good head on her shoulders, and as long as she keeps up the way she has been, it looks like sunny skies ahead for this Teen Mom.
• Chelsea. And Teen Mom 2's "Most Improved Award" goes to....Chelsea [BLEEP]. MTV is so protective of its stars' last names, but for what reason, I'm not sure. It's not like it's hard to find them on Google or if you stand in the line at the grocery store without wearing a blindfold. But regardless of Chelsea's mystery surname, she has changed for the better since crying on the toilet toward the beginning of the season. She still has a long way to go, what with the amount she still relies on her dad for just about everything, but the important part is that she seems to be free and clear of the nasty Adam virus. Now all that's left is for Chelsea to buckle her seat belt and head down the road to a high school diploma.

The Bad:

• Kailyn. I know Kailyn works hard and has the right goals in mind, but I think a lot of her decisions are selfish and not made with Isaac's best interest at heart. I still can't figure out why she likes Jordan. I know it can't be his killer Spanish skills or his ways with the baby, so I think it's more out of a need to feel liked by someone. If Jo is going to act like a moron, then Kail has to find a way to fill her love tank elsewhere, to borrow a phrase from another of my favorite reality shows. It also really bothers me that, during her fight with Jo at mediation, she said to Isaac, "your dad's an asshole." Obviously Isaac doesn't understand what she's saying, but will the badmouthing really stop as he grows older? The worst thing two separated parents can do is put their child in the middle, and it seems like poor Isaac is destined to be fought over for the rest of his life. Maybe they should just let Junior adopt him and call the whole thing a wash.

The Ugly:

• Jenelle. Jenelle definitely had peaks and valleys throughout the course of the season and even the episode, but in the end, she's always singing the same tune. She throws away her chances at redemption over and over again and for what? A cocaine-snorting hustler? I know I'm starting to sound like Barbara, but I can see why she's frustrated to the point of tears over trying to parent the stubborn mule that is Jenelle. Jenelle says she just wants to be loved, but what she means is she wants to be loved by a particular person, in a particular way. I will shamefully admit that I occasionally read OK! Magazine and follow the current Teen Mom news, and Jenelle has gotten nothing but negative press since the show started airing. From smoking at a gas pump to backyard brawls, the philosophy that any press is good press does not hold true for Jenelle. I almost want to petition MTV not to continue to feature her on the show because, as much as her trainwreck of a life is addicting to watch, putting an unstable person on reality television is like throwing gasoline on a fire. I can only hope Jace doesn't get burned in the process.

I'm really looking forward to the reunion with Dr. Drew to see what everyone is up to, but I hope MTV will do it justice since they're already pushing the new season of 16 and Pregnant pretty hard (though not quite as hard as Teen Wolf). As much as I enjoy watching the Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant series, I can't help but feel slightly afraid of the message these shows convey. Sure, they flash a 10-second graphic about how "teen pregnancy is 100% preventable," but at the rate MTV is churning out new teenage girls, eager to find their spot in the limelight, it may not be long before teen pregnancy shows go the way of the Real World and devolve into nothing more than a bunch of drunks hooking up in a hot tub.

*Miscellaneous tidbit: did anyone notice that Isaac's name was spelled wrong on one of the cartoon things that they do in between segments? It was written "Issac." Dear MTV, I am a great proofreader. Please hire me to keep you from looking like idiots in cases like these.

The Office: "Garage Sale"

[Singing to the tune of "The Dog Days are Over"] The Office drought is over no-o-ow! We had one glorious week in Scranton after four weeks of reruns and March Madness. After such a long wait for new material, I was on heaven while watching this episode! Now we have another three weeks to process Michael's pending departure, but The Office can have all the time in the world if it continues to churn out quality viewing like "Garage Sale."

The Good:

• Dwight's bartering skills. He told us that the Schrutes are farmers by hobby and traders by trade, so I don't know why I had any doubt that Dwight would play an excellent game of Bigger and Better at the Dunder Mifflin garage sale. Sure, his last trade was a little ill-advised (a telescope for Professor Copperfield's Magic Legumes), but Dwight proved his skills when he managed to convince Kelly that a half-burnt candle was the key to her romantic bliss. The next time I have some extra dryer lint that I'd like to turn into a new car, I know who I'm going to call.
• Kevin's long con. Who would have thought after he eagerly pulled out his wallet to get in on the board-game betting that Kevin would be the one pulling the wool over Andy and Darryl's eyes and not the other way around? Despite Andy's J.R. Ewing impression sounding more like molasses sort of spilling out of his mouth than Texas oil baron, I would steal his money, too, if he shot my imaginary board game persona. I think Kevin is the most charming when he turns out to be smarter than he looks, so the scene of him standing there with Andy and Darryl's cold hard cash, saying, "And that is how you play Dallas" has to be one of my favorite Kevin moments in a long time.
• BJ Novak. BJ was one of the only cast members that I did not get to meet when I visited the Office set, but he was one of the only cast members to thank us for the gifts we brought them, so he will always hold a special place in my heart. But I'm not making him a Good this week for purely selfish reasons. Mama Sally's Pesto and Hot Cha Cha salsa were clearly the best (and funniest) items at the garage sale (yes, even better than the very cute squid that Erin happened to have).
• The proposal. Thank goodness Pam was able to talk Michael down from words spelled in flaming gasoline to a room filled with innocuous white candles. Not only was Michael's proposal safe and responsible and realistic and doable, it was absolutely perfect for the show and the characters. Those buffoons on The Bachelor should really take a page out of Michael Scott's book. From the walk down memory lane to the gang peering through the blinds to Holly's acceptance in a Yoda voice, no one says "will you marry me" better than The Office. I loved that the proposal gauntlet gave us some comic relief, but even a little humor and a whole lot of sprinklers couldn't water down the love that Michael and Holly have. If Michael was so adamant about his engagement being an event that everyone talks about always and forever, I can only imagine how epic his wedding will be. I just hope we get to see it. Series finale, anyone?

The Bad:

• Missing pieces. I'd be willing to bet that a lot of "Garage Sale" action was left on the cutting room floor. I would pay at least three years' salary to see what Creed was selling at his table, and I found myself actually missing Erin and Gabe, whose presence was notably lacking, as well. But I suppose that's what deleted scenes and DVD extras are for, right?

The Ugly:

• Bye-bye birdie. All season long, we've been wondering how Steve Carell will make his exit, and now we know. I'll let you in on a another little secret from our set visit. When we visited Claire (I think that was her name) in the editing room, we asked if she had any idea how Michael was going to be axed. She told us that no one really knew just yet, but that her theory was that Michael has always treated his coworkers as his family, and the only way he could truly leave Dunder Mifflin would be if he found a family elsewhere. So either sneaky Claire was lying when she said she didn't really know the answer, or her years of working on the show have left her quite in tune with the vibes of the writers. Either way, I was relatively sure this is how Michael's departure would go down. But that doesn't make it any easier. I love the supporting cast of The Office, but I can't imagine that the show will ever be quite as good without Michael Scott. Quick, let me browse through Phyllis's box of bras to get this terrible subject out of my mind!
  

Miscellaneous Tidbits:

• John Krasinski can do a mean heel click!
• How funny was it that Michael had the foresight to ask for Holly's dad's permission to marry her, yet, in true Michael Scott style, he left the entire conversation on an answering machine?
  

Quotable Quotes:

• "If it's a problem with the neon, I could have my neon guy take a look." - Holly
  
• "I should have burned this place down when I had the chance." - Michael
  
• "We're moving to Colorado!" - Michael
• "All of us?" - Kevin
  

Top Chef: "Last Supper"

I tuned in to this week's Top Chef thinking that I would be watching the finale. Where did I miss the announcement that only two of the All Stars would compete for "$200,000 furnished by Buitoni and the title of Top Chef"? No matter. I'm quite happy to stretch out this, my favorite TC season, a little longer. In fact, I'm hoping that all future seasons of Top Chef will be rearrangements of previous casts. I never want to see a new Top Chef contestant again! Okay, maybe that's a little extreme, but I have always wanted to see a season made up of chefs who were eliminated first. That's not too far-fetched, right? Culinary pipe dreams aside, I was on the edge of my seat for most of this hour, so let's get to the Good, Bad and Ugly, if my trembling hands will cooperate.
The Good:

• Twists & turns. When Padma pulled out the dreaded envelope after Judges' Table Lite, my first reaction was similar to that of the chefs or Gob Bluth: come on! They had worked hard, made their dishes, and I wanted them to be judged accordingly, rather than giving them one more shot to make it or break it. However, after mulling it over a bit, I'm actually glad this final twist was thrown into the mix. I really think the end result was the same (Antonia's last supper dish did not seem to be as well-received as Mike's), but pushing the chefs to the upper limits of their abilities (and sanity) is what this show is all about. Not to mention that this is the All Star season, so the stakes are higher. If you can't think on the fly and cook to perfection, then get out of the kitchen.
• The quickfire. Not only was bringing back some of the most difficult past quickfires a fun idea, but allowing the chefs to assign them to each other was even better. It reminds us that Top Chef is not just based on skill and skill alone. You have to have an ace up your sleeve to make it to the end.
  

The Bad:

• Richard's strategery. It's not that Richard is too nice to stick his competitors with a tough challenge. He clearly intended on giving Mike a hard time in the quickfire, but his logic ended up backfiring. Blais may have the hair of an evil villain, but he's definitely lacking the killer instincts.

• Mike's tableside manner. Mike Isabella reminds me of a used car salesman. There's something that seems so genuinely sleazy and falsely humble about him when he presents his food or accepts accolades. There's no question that he's stepped up his game since arriving in the Bahamas (more specifically, The Cove at Atlantis, in case you didn't know), but I would rather that Mike just serve his food with closed lips, lest he start rambling about low, low payments of only $99 a month.

The Ugly:

• Editing spoils. I'm sure editing a reality television show is a daunting task, but in a competition, it's really quite telling when you show clips of a teary-eyed contestant in the very beginning of the episode. I pretty much knew as soon as Antonia was wiping tears from her eyes and talking about how much she wanted to be in the finale that she was going to be the one packing her knives tonight. Mike's interviews, on the other hand, were all cheery and bright (to use one of Gail's favorite words), even when he was talking about the final one-bite twist. And if the familiar Irish jig in the background while Richard was cooking and presenting his food didn't clue you in to the fact that he'd also be winning the challenge, well, then you must not have watched a lot of Top Chef.

So, there's one more week to go, and it looks like it's going to be epic. Restaurant Wars with the entire cast as sous chefs and, presumably, front of the house staff...I can't wait! Are you happy with the last two chefs standing? Who would you rather see in their place? I personally would have enjoyed a Carla/Richard showdown, but I'm definitely rooting for Richard because I don't think the man handle the weight of another disappointment. Until next week!

Teen Mom 2: "One Step Back"

Wow! I guess MTV has a few children of the '80s on staff, what with the title of this episode being a continuation of last week's Paula Abdul reference. And an ode to Paula Abdul is pretty much the only explanation for the episode's name because, unless I need my head checked, it appeared to me that most of the Moms were moving forward this week. Title discrepancies aside, this was the second-to-last hour of the season, but it feels like just yesterday that Aubree, Jace, Ali, Aleeah, and Isaac were just a twinkle in the girls' prepubescent, pre-MTV lives. My, how time flies when you're a Teen Mom!

The Good:

• Social Services. I'm actually shocked that Social Services would take it upon themselves to prosecute Adam for his unpaid child support, but it's a good kind of shock. I would love to see Adam go to jail and have a big, hairy man named Bubba wipe that smile right off his smug little face.

• Chelsea. Okay, girl still can't get the whole "studying" thing down, but she's done a complete 180 when it comes to her relationship dependency. Maybe the Lady Gaga concert was more than just an opportunity to tease her hair and wear a sparkly outfit. It seems that Chelsea may have actually taken some of the lyrics to heart. Next thing you know, she's going to be asking Jenelle to borrow her "Free Bitch" bracelet.

• Leah. I'm actually starting to wish I was Leah. She's super skinny after having twins, she occasionally has cute hair, and she makes a darn good lemonade with all the lemons life is throwing at her. I'll admit it - I shed a few tears when she said that she would still change Ali's diapers at age 50, if need be. I am planning on training my dogs to change my children's diapers, so imagine how selfless it is of a teen mom to say such a thing. Seriously, though, it breaks my heart that that is even a consideration for her, and it's also just so impressive to see the unconditional love she has for her child.

The Bad:

• Adam's new girlfriend. I really hope this girl is just using him to get her 15 minutes of fame, because I can see no other reason any person in her right mind would go anywhere near this sorry excuse for a man. They say there's an ass for every seat, but I guess there's also a girl for every ass.

• Kailyn's money-management skills. How does Kail still have no cash? All this talk of working two jobs, and she still has to have her mom pay to file the custody papers. She's not paying rent, so where is all the money going? I hate to say it, but I think Jo was right when he said she couldn't afford to live on her own. That doesn't mean she should have moved in with him, but she either needs to take a personal finance class or figure out how to rearrange her life so that she's a little more self-sufficient.

The Ugly:

• Jenelle. I'm wondering if maybe Jenelle's old boss would consider adopting her. It's a long shot, I know, but she needs a parent who will give her a stern talking-to, and his take-no-crap attitude when she tried to "clarify" her disappearance from work is just what the Doctor (Drew) ordered. It's a sad truth that Jenelle and Barbara's relationship is a never-ending cycle of use and abuse. Jenelle takes and takes, then has the misguided idea that somehow it's never her fault when things fall apart. Someone please give this reality star a reality check, stat!

Miscellaneous Tidbits:

• Do you ever feel bad for the MTV camera crew who has to risk their lives daily by driving in a car with Kieffer and Jenelle? I guarantee they drive while they're high, but I wouldn't want to sit in the backseat with Jenelle at the wheel even when she's not under the influence.

Quotable Quotes:

• "While you and Kieffer are having a la-di-da time, I'm busting my balls trying to g*ddamn survive on barely more than minimum wage!" I knew Barb was actually a man! No, seriously, you tell her, Bob -- I mean, Barb!
  

Real Housewives of Orange County

So, I made it to the second round of "auditions" for the Reality Tea contributor position, and my next assignment was to recap "The Real Housewives of Orange County." I've watched this show since the beginning, unlike Miami, which I only saw for the first time last week, so it was a tad bit easier to do a write-up. Anyway, here it is. I should find out sometime this week if I'm moving through for further consideration.

As the sun rises on the county that never sleeps, our Housewives' schedules are full to the brim with lunch dates, shopping trips, and mini vacations. It's all just a typical day in the life of an O.C. bottle blonde, but is anything really ever typical when Vicki, Tamra, Alexis, Gretchen or Peggy is in the mix?

They say if the tiara fits, wear it, and Gretchen does just that. She also puts it on the license plate of her new car, but that's beside the point. Miss Rossi is still hung up on being dubbed a princess, but after rehashing Alexis's sin against the friendship yet again, the pair hops into Gretchen's new Mercedes and heads out for a little shoe shopping/meet-and-greet with new Housewife Peggy. The ladies bond over thigh-high boots and tales of their sexual conquests, though Peggy is a little skeptical of Gretchen's astrological traits and Gretchen a little wary of the length of Peggy's hemline. Not to be usurped of their title of "Ladies Who Lunch," Vicki and Tamra meet up for a mealtime bonding session of their own. The remaining member of Housewives: Classic Edition, Vicki vows that her friendship with Tamra will live to whoo-hoo another day, and it appears that all is well in Gunvalson-Barney Land.

The Bellinos need a break from the grind, so they pack their things and head to San Diego for a change of scenery. Jim may have Alexis on a short leash, but he's no match for the lady who voices his car's cell phone system. Somewhere on the west coast, Dan is still waiting for Jim's call. After the family arrives at the Rancho Bernardo Inn and Alexis does some quick algebra to justify her overpacking, they realize that, out of 12 bags, not one of them belongs to Nanny Sandra. But never fear! Their assistant will drive Sandra's bag to San Diego, and Jim has already moved on to bigger and better things, like adjusting the Feng Shui of their villa. After what was surely a good night's sleep, due solely to the removal of that desk chair's bad vibes, the Bellinos enjoy a nice breakfast, then ship the kids off to the park so that they can take care of the money that is currently burning a hole in Jim's wallet. Daddy Warbucks spends more on two watches than most people earn in a year, and Alexis proves that she truly is Jim's best accessory by doing a lot of smiling and nodding throughout the purchase.

Back in Orange County, Peggy's mother-in-law, the naturopath, has apparently stumbled on the fountain of youth, and it comes from stem cells from an apple in Switzerland. Peggy's urine says she's aging like a potato, (are you sensing a produce theme here?) but it's nothing a little hologram bracelet (and some Botox) won't fix.

Gretchen and Slade decide to head out on the open road to visit friends in Palm Springs. While she chews on a hamburger on one side of her mouth, Gretchen chews out Slade's driving skills on the other. Despite Slade's "magic penis," as Gretchen called it earlier, the constant bickering between this couple makes it hard to believe Slade's claim that they're still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. They somehow manage to make it to Palm Springs in one piece, where they promptly decide to go on a leisurely bike ride in 100-degree weather. With the Chihuahua in her bike basket and her signature cackle echoing through the streets, Gretchen is becoming eerily similar to one Almira Gulch, AKA The Wicked Witch of the West. I'm just waiting for the day when she eyes Tamra and says, "I'll get you, my pretty!"

Speaking of Tamra, she's trying her very best for a good sound bite about mysterious boyfriend Eddie. "Latin oomph"? "Who wouldn't want to hump him?" Not quite quote-worthy. "He's so humpable"? Okay, getting closer. "He kissed me back to life"? Cha-ching! We have liftoff! So now that we know more than we ever wanted about Eddie's sexual prowess, we actually get to meet the guy. Tamra and Eddie meet with their friend/third wheel Marcos for a dinner by the sea, complete with romantic sunset and – wait, are those Snuggies? The presence of a third person at the table couldn't deter Tamra and Eddie from some starting their foreplay just a tad too early. Check, please! Back at Eddie's house, Tamra ran a bath and put on her best "come hither" gaze. Eddie needed a little liquid confidence before stripping in front of a camera crew, so he quickly downed his glass of wine and joined Tamra in the tub to prove how humpable he really is.

As the door surreptitiously shuts on Eddie's bathroom/love den, another episode of "The Real Housewives" comes to a close. The girls were somewhat isolated this week, and while it was nice to get a glimpse of their lives apart from the group, it will be good to get them back together for some good old-fashioned Bravo fireworks. Until next time, "here's to friendship and whoo-hooing it up!"