Episode 2: Ashley Gets the Smackdown

I didn't get a chance to watch this week's episode until today, due to the Cloverleaf/Hanson concert on Thursday night and a murder-mystery dinner with coworkers last night, but I was finally able to sit down this morning to watch episode two of Survivor: China.

My immediate thought during the opening sequence this week was, "There's someone named Amanda on this show?" I don't remember even catching a glimpse of this girl last week. They more than made up for her lack of air time in the first episode, though, by showing her forming an alliance with Todd and then giving ample coverage to her un-amply covered breasts during the reward challenge. At least she bared it all in the heat of competition rather than for some peanut butter and oreo cookies.

Speaking of the reward challenge, what a challenge it must have been for the editors to blur out all of the naked body parts in this one! It has to be expected in such a hands-on game taking place in a pool of mud, but still. Guy commented that he wouldn't be surprised if a few of the girls accidentally got pregnant after that debacle. All nudity aside, Fei Long won the battle, 2 goals to zip, but Zhan Hu did put up a good fight. You have to wonder, though, what the producers were thinking when they arranged these tribes. They seem so mismatched as far as physical strength goes that I'm beginning to wonder if Frosti and the gang will ever be able to pull it together and win something. Fei Long got their fishing gear* and another morale booster, while Zhan Hu was sent back to a flooded campsite. Things don't seem like they'll be looking up anytime soon.

After the reward challenge, we see the first twist of this season of Survivor. The winning tribe gets to kidnap a member of the losing tribe to stay at their camp until the immunity challenge. They unanimously choose Jaime, and so our braless blonde goes off to spend a few days on the winning side of life. Todd immediately warns his tribemates to keep an eye on their valuable items, like flint, because he suspects that Jaime might try to steal something. This guy is sharper than I thought he'd be. I definitely underestimated him. Then, in another mini-twist, Jaime gets a note saying to give a bamboo tube containing a clue to the location of the hidden immunity idol to a Fei Long member of her choice. She chooses Leslie because she considers her to be the weakest. I guess Jean-Robert's lazy "act" didn't fool her. Leslie proceeds to run and tell Todd about the clue, thinking it will help her gain his trust. In reality, all it does is give Todd reason to make her the next one on the chopping block so that he'll be the only one left who knows about the hidden idol. Maybe if the resident poker expert wasn't busy sleeping all the time, he could have given Leslie some tips on keeping her cards close to her chest.

Jaime's taste of the high life was soon over as the tribes met up for another brute-strength-geared challenge. Dave faltered at the head of the battering ram and took the blame for Zhan Hu's loss, though I don't think they ever stood much of a chance against James' muscles to begin with. And so, back at camp before tribal council, the Ashley v. Dave debate begins. It seems as if the whole tribe knows that one of the two has to go, including Dave and Ashley themselves. Ashley chooses not to voice her opinions at camp, but rather at tribal council, and it may have been too little, too late. Even though seemingly everyone agreed that Dave is an overbearing, patronizing leader, Ashley was the one whose torch was snuffed out. Apparently her personality isn't as fake as her boobs, so Ashley's inability to keep her opinions to herself puts the nails in her coffin.

Another week in the Chinese wilderness is behind us. Last week, we lost a guy because he wouldn't voice his opinions. This week, we lost the girl that spoke up too much. There's just no telling what's in store for us on episode three of Survivor: China.





*I know that the reward challenges at the beginning of the game usually include camp-life necessities, but I'm tired of the same old, same old. How about giving out something helpful but more interesting than pillows and blankets next week, like the survivors' luggage, for instance?

Survivor: China: Chicken Gets His Head Cut Off

Needless to say, my first prediction of the Survivor: China voting order was dead wrong. Todd wasn't nearly as flamboyant as I thought he'd be right off the bat, though he did have a few, "Oh, no, you di'nt" moments in there. His tribe ended up with the immunity idol, so from there on out, my chances of a perfect record were shot. Chicken was the first to have his head on the chopping block, and although he didn't run around wildly for 15 minutes after he was voted off, he did manage to shock his fellow tribemates by exclaiming, "DAMN!" after the final vote was read. And when Jeff gave him the usual "the tribe has spoken" line, his response was one of the best I've heard yet -- a downtrodden, yet arrogantly toned, "Yeah, I heard 'em." Oh, Chicken, I'm sad to see you go. Let's hope Frosti can stick it out and represent for the oddly named folks on the Zhan Hu tribe.

As far as the rest of the episode goes, it was a typical start of a Survivor season with a slightly more intriguing backdrop. Thank God for the b-roll clips of Pandas climbing through trees rather than the snakes and insects that usually get featured in the tropical settings. We got glimpses into a few of the Survivors' personalities, but nothing so deep yet as to have us attached to anyone. For instance, we've got Courtney, the New York City Bitch, who glared at the Buddhist monk when he repeatedly fixed her stance during the "welcome" ceremony. And then there's Leslie, the Christian radio talk show host who managed to contradict herself in the same sentence after she refused to participate in what she considered to be idol worship and stated, "I'm not religious, but I am a follower of Jesus Christ." Huh? And finally, there's Jaime. I was convinced she hadn't said a word the entire episode until Guy reminded me that she was the one who proudly told Jeff, "I don't have a bra." When will these people learn to wear functional clothing every second of the day until they're given a map to their tribe's island? With season after season of contestants being forced to jump off boats and swim for their lives, you'd think people would start using their heads.

There is so much more I can say about last night's show, but I'll leave you to ponder the rest. Till next week...

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Survivor: China

So, season 3,598 of Survivor begins on September 20th, coming from the mysterious country of China. I'm really debating whether or not to continue my loyalty to Survivor this season. Though last season was salvaged by the antics of Yao Man, the whole format (no matter how hard they try to change it) is getting kind of boring to me, especially because the winner usually ends up being someone that I don't like. However, for some unknown reason, I feel guilty giving up on a show I've watched for so long, so in order to give myself some incentive to watch, or at least keep up with blogs on the show, I'm going to do something I've never done before -- make predictions on the order of the ousted. I don't normally like making predictions like this because, well, I'm just not a good guesser, but I'm bored, so I'll give it a shot. Here goes, in order from first person voted off to winner:
1. Todd, the gay Mormon
He thinks the Spice Girls are the most significant historical event of the past 100 years. He should be voted off the planet for that one.
2. Courtney, the New York waitress
I think she thinks she's tougher than she really is.
3. Denise, the mullet-sporting karate woman
She may be strong, but I just can't see her fitting in with the crowd
4. Jaime, the cute blonde
I just don't like cute blondes.
5. Jean-Robert, the professional poker player
He may have a good poker face, but Vegas is nothing like being stranded in China.
6. Peih-Gee, the jeweler
She probably only lasts this long because no one could figure out how to spell her name to put down on the parchment.
7. Sherea, the elementary school teacher
She just looks like a good choice for number seven -- good enough to fly under the radar up until this point.
8. Erik, the...I don't know...I can't see anything past his curly hair.
I think this guy's ego might get in the way.
9. Leslie, the token Christian
She auditioned 11 times to finally make it on the show, but I think her time will be up at number 9.
10. Chicken -- yes, that's only a nickname.
People will start to see him as a shoe-in for the win and get him out of there before he can say cock-a-doodle-doo.
11. James, the gravedigger
He might be the outsider at this point, so it's just his time to go.
12. Amanda, the hiking guide
She may not be the first choice, but the first choice might get immunity, forcing votes for her.
13. Dave, the former model -- that's the best title he could give himself?
I have nothing to say to you, Dave.
14. Aaron, the surfer dude.
I think Frosti will win the final immunity and choose to go against Ashley.
15. Ashley, the WWE diva
and that makes the winner of Survivor:China, according to my illogical methods none other than Frosti the Snowman. I think he'll finally be able to to afford a new silk hat with the million-dollar prize.

So there you have it. Let's follow along and see how wrong I am!

The Long-awaited Florence message #2

Guy got a new laptop and finally was able to record the second message from the infamous Florence. To listen to it and see our artistic representation of what we think she looks like, go here.

Rage Against the Machine

Peters Township Library is consistently ranked among the best libraries in Pennsylvania, yet not only do I get the urge to poop every time I enter the place (seriously), I consistently leave there feeling unsatisfied. And the lack of satisfaction isn't due to the fact that I never actually poop while I'm there, but mainly it's related to my beef with the library's DVD section. I went there today to get Borat, which the card catalog told me was available, but I left empty-handed (well, aside from the book I had on hold). You might be saying, "Your library has Borat? You should be happy they even stock current releases." Nay, my friend. Going to the library to get a current release that is supposedly there, then being told it would be impossible to find is even worse. Here's the deal -- I go directly to the DVD section and look through shelves of poorly alphabetized cases, all the way from A to Z, only to realize Borat is missing from the collection. I do another search of the card catalog to make sure it hasn't been checked out since I last searched around 1:30 at work. It says there should be one copy available. I ask the woman at the desk if it might be in the back somewhere because the card catalog says it's in, but it's not on the shelf. The other woman standing there pulls out a bin beneath the desk and says, "It's not in the bin, and if it's in the back, they're double-stacked." The original woman then says to me, "Yeah, there's no way we can find it." Okay, last time I checked, libraries did not superglue their recently returned DVDs to the carts they store them on. Double-stacked my ass! Take a minute and go look through the pile to see if the movie I want is in. Could it really be that difficult? I think the problem is the women at the front desk are elitists who are either bitter they were never able to get their master's degrees and become real librarians or just bitter because they're old, and they refuse to have anything to do with the lowly duties of redistributing library materials to their proper housing places. Finally, I was told that the girl who shelves DVDs will be in over the weekend, and it should be available by then. So now I either have to return to the library in hopes that Borat will be shelved and not snapped up by another library patron or shell out the 3 bucks to rent it. I'm guessing I'll do the latter. The point is, I don't know what criteria Peters Township Library's high status is based upon, but it probably isn't "ability to induce spontaneous bowel movements." So, why all the praise? I see nothing more than a pretty building with a decent selection of materials, grumpy staff, and poor service.

Driving Tales

If only the man in front of me with the Maryland license plate and the "pro-woman, pro-child, pro-life" bumper sticker was pro-safe-driving, I thought, as his car weaved down the road while he rummaged through his front seat and munched on something at the same time. His head bobbed back and forth to look at every street sign, and he slowed down at every intersection until he finally slammed on his brakes, quickly flicked on his right-turn signal, and swung into a parking spot in front of -- get this -- Vocelli's Pizza. Did he come all the way across the Mason-Dixon line for a slice of pie, or did he just have a hankering for some semi-good pizza after his March for Life across the South Hills? The world may never know.