Teen Mom: Taking It Slow

So this is what the world has come to: supposedly broke moms can take out plastic surgery loans to achieve the perfect boob-to-butt ratio, so-called important questions are posed via text message when the questioner and the questionee are sitting less than five feet apart, and not one but two guys chase after a classless, abusive girl who's really not quite beautiful either inside or out. Thank heavens that MTV allows it all to play out over national television -- what would we do without the drama of Teen Mom?

On the first episode of season three with the original cast, we saw Farrah spend more time deciding what size bra will have the biggest effect on her modeling career than determining who she wants to raise her child in case her trip under the knife actually lands her six feet under (and knowing the fate of Sophia's dad, you'd think Farrah would be a little more concerned about an untimely death). We saw Catelynn and Tyler contemplate taking a big step in their relationship (note to Tyler: if you leap into fire, you WILL get burned. There's no "if"). We saw Amber put in her place by a kind-looking therapist ("coach"?), and we finally got the answer to a question we've all been waiting for -- is Kyle slow? Other than a bit of manufactured drama in the form of a child-support payment mix-up and a lot of fake phone calls between Farrah and "loan officers" (MTV production assistants), the first episode of Teen Mom was more of a setup for the rest of the season than an exciting hour of television.

One of the most notable scenes of the night featured a surprisingly coherent Farrah returning home after her breast augmentation. As anyone who has seen "David After Dentist" knows, most people are a bit loopy following a surgical procedure. But Farrah's attitude is so bad, it even penetrates a post-anesthesia haze, and poor Michael gets the brunt of the abuse. While Sophia waits on the steps, displaying more patience than her mother has in her left pinky finger, Michael experiences how much weight a "full C" really adds as he attempts the impossible task of making Farrah comfortable. With bags of frozen vegetables finally secured in their proper positions, Farrah even scolds Michael for telling Sophia to sit still. Every time The Beast rears her ugly head, I find myself wishing for Amber to stop by and slap her around a bit. Her sense of entitlement and pure lack of respect for other human beings is absolutely hideous.

Shows like Teen Mom are such a guilty pleasure for me, but as the girls' lives deteriorate and the facade of reality television grows thicker, I find it hard to justify the small amount of joy I get out of watching this train wreck. I can't say I'm ready to give the show up for good, but I hope that MTV will someday become at least slightly more responsible for the lives they are exploiting.